From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Bathroom Bungles

by Sam Kemmis

Hello,

We've had some complaints about the condition of the restrooms. It seems people (if they can be designated as such) have been throwing paper towels on the floor, leaving the water running in the sink, and failing to direct the stream of their urine accurately.


None of this is new, of course. And none of it surprises me. You are all animals. Dirtier, indeed, and fouler than many animals. Even cats cover their feces, and maintain a hygienic distance between these functions and their daily doings. Oh that you were all cats.

I have endeavored, in my eight years at this office, to try every ruse imaginable to rid you people of your bathroom barbarism. To no avail. Instead of instituting more half-measures and pleas to your sense of decency, therefore, we are overhauling the system by which employees deposit their waste:

  • The toilets and/or urinals in the bathrooms will be removed altogether.
  • The floor will be replaced with a  slaughterhouse-style grating.
  • Access to the bathrooms will only be allowed during a communal feces-deposition period between 9:00am-9:10am
  • Employees will be thoroughly sprayed with a hose following feces deposition. This service is not optional
  • Employees will see each other, shivering and cowering in their shameful nakedness, and remember that they brought this upon themselves.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager