I'm sorry to report that this past weekend, Tyson Brown in HR was CUCKOLDED. A "condolences" greeting card is being sent around the office. Write something nice for the cuckold, OK?
The card is being passed around with a list of office employees. Once your write in the card, scratch your name off the list and give it to the next person. We need to make sure EVERYBODY IN THE OFFICE ACKNOWLEDGES TYSON'S NEWLY-BESTOWED HORNS, so don't mess up the system. It is rules like these that distance us from the beasts, folks.
If you have never written in an office-wide cuckold condolence card, here is a list of TIPS and TRICKS:
- Make scant mention of the act itself. If you have to describe the way in which another man turned Tyson's own marriage bed into a fetid den of iniquity, go light on the details.
- If you choose to draft an allegorical illustration of a cuckoo bird dashing another bird's eggs on the rocks and depositing its own in their stead, don't use up too much space on the card. 34 other people need to acknowledge Tyson's wife's treachery, so be respectful and keep your drawing compact.
- REMINDER: TYSON'S WIFE'S NAME IS: JESSICA, AND SHE IS: LOVELY BEYOND MEASURE. Here are some ways to describe her if you're too lazy to think of your own (ahem, you're welcome). "Fair Jessica"; "She by whom Helen of Troy is but plain"; "That nonpareil of grace"; "Fey nymph Jessica". Please REPLY-ALL to this message if you use any of these so that nobody doubles-up.
- While composing your message, remember to navigate between the Scylla of prolixity and the Charybdis of terseness. Examples of the latter: "Sorry!"; "Bummer re: cuckoldry, bro"; "U can rebound on me LOL." I've seen these messages and their ilk a hundred times in office cuckoldry cards. IF I SEE ANY TRITE GARBAGE LIKE THIS I WILL WHITE IT OUT I KID YOU NOT.
- We are asking people to chip in for a pair of BULL'S HORNS to mount on Tyson's cubicle. Everybody needs to do their part to ensure that Tyson's shame is manifested physically, so don't skimp.
- Bye -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA