From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Flesh Drive

by Sam Kemmis

Everybody,

It's almost the autumnal equinox, and you know what that means: The annual office flesh drive. Our goal this year is to collect 34 pounds of flesh. And by "goal" I mean that nobody is leaving the office until we reach it.


The copy room has been temporarily converted to a flesh-donation room. Remember, folks: You have to carve your own flesh. We're not one of those fancy-schmancy offices that hires a trained medical professional for their flesh drives. Double reminder: Make sure to sanitize any instruments BEFORE use. We're not your maids, people; take care of your scalpels.

Everybody needs to donate 0.74 pounds of flesh, which might not sound like a lot but you'd be surprised how big of a pile that is. Cookies and juice are provided in the flesh-donation room. Make sure you have a snack beforehand, as the site of their own flayed muscles and tendons makes some people a little woozy.

In the flesh-donation room you will also find:


In years past a lot of people have asked where on their bodies they should cut the flesh from. Folks: It is not my job to tell you where to excise your flesh from. Use your common sense if you have any.

Please note that if you are carrying feline-borne parasitic disease(s) (as I am), you are exempt from the flesh drive.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager

 

Photo courtesy of Flickr user psd under the auspices of the Creative Commons License