The office has a new printer, and unlike the old Lexmark printer, this on is RUN BY A TEAM OF INDUSTRIOUS PRINT-GNOMES. If you have never used a gnome printer before, read this email in its entirety. If you have used a gnome printer, please do the same as gnome printer technology has changed much in recent years.
TO TURN ON THE PRINTER:
Press the "Power" button. This will ring a series of small brass bells that hang above each gnome's bed, rousing them. Wait 20 minutes while the gnomes stretch, brew their dandelion tea, and change out of their red union suits. If you hear any noises during this time, it is the gnomes fussing good-naturedly.
TO CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PRINTER:
Place a USB cable next to your computer and the printer, and give the following command: "YIP-YIP!" A team of hale young gnomes will scurry out of the printer housing, doff their caps in unison, and heave the cable into the corresponding ports like soldiers with a battering ram.
TO PRINT A DOCUMENT:
Hit CTRL+P, select "Gnome1022.2", and set out a tiny buffet of wilderness treats upon which the gnomes can feast. After they have eaten their fill of cracklenuts, mulled blueberry wine, and honey-dipped rootcakes, they will start printing your document.
IF YOU ENCOUNTER A PROBLEM:
Ask to see The Head Gnome. He can be identified by his green cap, grey beard, and august nature. Present your problem to The Head Gnome in straightforward language (gnomes are simple, honest folk), and finish each sentence with a deferential bob of the head.
Also, this should go without saying people, but DO NOT TRY TO STEAL THE GNOMES FOR THEIR PURPORTED ABILITY TO TURN DEWDROPS INTO GOLD. This is a silly superstition, and besides, the gnomes would need a ruby fiddle to accomplish such a task.
- BYE -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA