You may have noticed the Internet running especially slow this week. Instead of investigating whether it has anything to do with our Internet provider, I have assumed that the slowdown is caused by the incessant viewing of VIRAL VIDEOS by our layabout staff. This is a place of work, people, not a Viral Video Screening Theater.
In response to this problem, we have instituted a new "Fire-Wall" system. You may notice some differences the next time you watch a Viral Video. Namely:
- Fear of something enormous and unnamable looming just beyond the horizon of understanding.
- Crippling shame.
- The feeling that someone close to you (your mother, perhaps) is weeping alone in a dark place.
- Sweaty knees.
- The sense that a tumor or large spider egg is growing just beneath your shin bone.
These feelings are all caused by Goblin Guilt, one of the 1000 ghosts of human suffering that we have hired as an Internet "Fire-Wall." You will never see Goblin Guilt, as he lives perpetually just outside one's field of view, but he sees all that you do, folks.
Everytime you watch a Viral Video, old Goblin Guilt will be there, dancing on your soul and jabbing at your conscience with his Pitiless Pitchfork. These are not metaphors, people, this is literally how the new Fire-Wall works.If you do watch a Viral Video and receive a visit from GG, there is but one recourse: You must push him deep, deep inside yourself where no one can see him and where your secret can remain safe. But HEADS UP, folks: Goblin Guilt will visit you again in an even more malignant form down the road and irrevocably moulder your spirit. Again, this is the only way to handle the situation and obviously it isn't great, so maybe you should just stop watching Viral Videos, mmk?
-Bye-Katherine Tull-Potts, BA