It's no secret that morale in the office has been flagging. According to recent "anonymous" employee reports, many of you feel "unmotivated" by the current system in which excellence is punished. Seems people expect their VALUE to be RECOGNIZED with some sort of POSITIVE FEEDBACK.
Instead of doing that, the office has decided to install several MORALE EELS. These eels will nip you whenever you feel unmotivated or beset. Want to avoid a nipping? It ain't rocket science, folks: JUST BE MOTIVATED.
Please note that the morale eels are SUPPOSED TO LIVE IN A MARINE HABITAT, and will therefore perish if not properly cared for. HR will be sending an email around detailing eel care responsibility, but suffice it to say that KEEPING THE EELS ALIVE IS GOING TO TAKE TEAMWORK. If you see an eel in the kitchen that looks desiccated, MIST IT WITH ONE OF THE MANY SALT-WATER-FILLED MISTING BOTTLES. Don't count on other people to mist the eels, people.
Folks, I shouldn't have to tell you that EELS WILL NIP YOU IF THEY ARE DRYING OUT. Therefore, if an eel nips you, it is either (a) in danger of perishing or (b) snapping you out of your workplace-inspired melancholia. DON'T ASSUME EITHER. Mist that nipping eel and get back to work.
Be aware that these eels are extremely expensive, and SHALL NOT BE PHYSICALLY REPRIMANDED FOR MISBEHAVIOR UNDER PENALTY OF IMMEDIATE TERMINATION. Since you are all half-wits, let me rephrase: If you strike an eel, you will be fired.
To confirm that you have read and understood this email, send me a sixth-grade-style report on eels.
- Bye -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA