From The Desk Of The Office Manager: New Handbook

by Sam Kemmis

I know you have all been anticipating the newest version of the Employee Handbook with bated breath. Unfortunately, the Employee Handbook Re-Writing Sub-Committee chairperson, Ari Knewell, incorrectly booked the conference room using the new Outlook tool (which requires solving several riddles of increasing difficulty) and the 2013 version was pushed back a full week. I would apologize for this delay, but I'm not in the habit of covering for other people's GROSS RIDDLE OVERSIGHT.


The 2013 handbook has undergone a MAJOR OVERHAUL, and is now a word-for-word facsimile of 1994 Newberry Medal winner The Giver. YOU ARE ALL EXPECTED TO READ THE GIVER BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

If you have never read this modern classic, LISTEN UP: It provides a succinct, powerful illustration of the BENEFITS and SUSTAINABILITY of a small community from which emotions, color, and personal heterogeneity have been STRIPPED.

Even though this book is written at a 7th-grade level, I expect this exceeds many of your literary capacities. Because I'm too nice, I will provide a summary of the main points. THIS IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO READING THE BOOK, FOLKS.

  • All employees will take pills to suppress their emotional and sexual "stirrings." This policy is unchanged from previous Employee Handbooks.
  • The office will have one "Receiver of Memory" who stores previous memories. As office manager, I will naturally assume this position. *YOU'RE WELCOME*
  • All employees will be limited to one son and one daughter offspring. Surplus offspring will be "released."

Do you have any questions? Then you clearly haven't been taking your pills.


Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager