From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Office Cave

by Sam Kemmis

Hey folks, this email is flagged as "urgent," which is not entirely accurate, but there is no other way to ensure that you read my emails. One of these days the power of the "urgent" flag will be attenuated beyond usefulness, and who will be to blame? You will be to blame.

The cave is not an allegory, people. It's very real.

Here's the big "news": In October our department will be moved out of our current building and into a cave. Furthermore, our cubicle-and-office layout is going to be switched to a more open floor plan to promote SYNERGY, BIAS FOR ACTION, and BUZZWORD USAGE. Here's how the new layout works:

  • All employees will be bound in the center of the cave, facing the wall. Instead of computer monitors, employees will only see the images that appear on the cave wall.
  • The only source of light in the cave will be a fire situated BEHIND the employees. Objects such as chairs, animals, and expense reports will be between the light and the staff's backs.
  • Thus, employees will perceive only the SHADOWS of true objects on the cave wall. With time, you will believe these shadows to be the objects themselves, and will laud those who purport to anticipate the appearance and actions of the items.
  • IMPORTANT: The shadow wall is for work-related shadow-viewing ONLY. No imperfect projections of personal objects will be viewed on the wall at any time, people.
  • You may be tempted to turn your head, so that you can see the true object and not just an imperfect representation of the object. DO NOT DO THIS. The "true" objects may be SCARY and MYSTIFYING, and who wants that?

If you have any concerns or questions about the move, please keep them to yourself. The last thing we need is some kind of system where decisions are made by agreement of individuals within the governing body.

I'll be out on Friday to take my cat to the groomer. I will not respond to emails, but I will send pictures of the grooming throughout the process.

-Bye-

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager