From The Desk Of The Office Manager: That Time Of Year (Again)

by Sam Kemmis


This morning Adam Jens called in sick with a bad set of lymphatic scrofula, and that can only mean one thing: Consumption season has officially begun.

I feel like I have to write the same email every year, but here goes:

Folks (especially those with black bile over the yellow): If you think you might have the consumption, DO NOT come into the office. The disease is borne by any of the four humours (fomes), and if anybody comes in contact with your fomes, they're DONE-ZO. So be respectful and keep your morbid fomes out of the workplace.

We all know that consumption causes the lungs to fail to perform their alchemical duties, causing stony precipitates to form. I'm not going to waste your time explaining the tartaric process. Read Sr. Fracastoro's De Contagion if you need to get up to speed.

Last year I got a lot of questions about whether sanatoriums were covered under the company health plan. I did not answer these questions because I am not the HR department. However, Heather in HR compiled this explanation which I am copying/pasting out of the goodness of my heart, not because it's part of my job:

Our Healthcare EPO will only cover sanatoriums that are within-network. If you're not sure whether the one you're interested is in the network or not, you need to travel out to its physical location to ask. Make sure to cover your mouth with an oiled rag if you speak with the convalescents.

If you choose a sanatorium that is situated well above sea level (to encourage proper irrigation of the lungs), keep in mind that your copay will be 30%, whereas if you choose to recuperate in a cave-sanatorium (to balance the vital essence with atmospheric homogeneity), the copay is 10%. Either way you will pay in full until you reach your deductible, which for all employees is three times one's base salary.

Finally: Remember that the company does not have a Consumption Leave program. You get 4 personal days per year, and everything after that is unpaid leave. So it's really in your best interests to not contract the White Plague.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager