PLEASE: If you are the last one to leave the office, turn off all the lights. Are you a beast? A cretin? No? Then this should be common sense.
***THIS IS IMPORTANT***
If you are the last employee to ford the river out of the office, please take the OFFICE CHICKEN, the OFFICE FOX, and the OFFICE GRAIN across with you. Sounds easy but slow down, cowboy - there are some caveats.
- First: You can only stow two of the items on the barge at any time. **TWO and ONLY TWO items on the boat.** Don't cheat by wrapping the fox around your shoulders like a stole. The barge will CAPSIZE if all three objects are on it at once, and HR has confirmed that we will not have CAPSIZING INSURANCE until Q3.
- Second (this should be a no-brainer, but if there's anything you people have taught me it's that I have to belabor what should be common sense): DO NOT LEAVE THE CHICKEN ALONE WITH THE GRAIN. Last time this happened the chicken ATE the grain and we had to go a full month without any grain. A full lunar month.
- Third: Do not leave the FOX ALONE WITH THE CHICKEN, folks. You know the saying "a fox in the henhouse?" Well, use what's left of your addled minds to extend the meaning of that saying to a barge instead of a henhouse. This is just basic abstract symbolic thinking, people.
If you do not turn off the lights and solve this logic problem when you leave for the weekend, I will be unable to reprimand you. But KNOW THIS: misdeeds of this life will haunt you in the next.
- BYE -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA.