From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Licentious UPS Deliveryman

by Sam Kemmis




People: There are some changes to the UPS package pickup system.  First, UPS is now picked up in the AFTERNOON instead of the MORNING. Please note the "delivery" placard - if it is ORANGE, that means that the deliveryman has come. If it is RUST-COLORED, that means he has not. REMEMBER: WILLIAM OF ORANGE "ASSUMED" THE BRITISH CROWN IN 1689. ORANGE = "ASSUMED" = "TAKEN".

Second, our regular UPS guy has been replaced by NOTORIOUS RAKE Andrê Jassón. He is a tall, swarthy man of QUESTIONABLE MORAL FIBER, and he WILL SEDUCE YOU unless you're prepared. Here are some "tips":
  • If Andrê is pushing a hand truck toward you, DO NOT avert your gaze. This will only inflame his animal passions. Look directly above him, but NOT into his eyes (see next "tip").
  • Mr. Jassón's eyes are two impossibly tranquil pools of steely quicksilver. If you are stupid enough to ignore the first "tip" (as I'm positive many of you are (Jess M.)), you will feel an impossible-to-swallow lump at the base of your throat after making eye contact with the profligate. YOU HAVE BEEN SEDUCED. All you can do now is try not to become emotionally attached. After being ravished: MOVE ON. Last year we lost three good interns who were convinced that Andrê loved them. Don't be a damned fool.
  • Andre Jassón's musk is as subtly sweet as rich, loamy soil. When he enters a room, immediately stick two highlighter markers up BOTH OF YOUR NOSTRILS lest you be overcome by his manly aroma. But, I'm not messing around here folks: DO NOT USE THE OFFICE HIGHLIGHTERS as this will ruin them. Bring your own highlighters in and put a piece of ORANGE tape on them so we know they are not office highlighters, but musk-averting highlighters. Please do not confuse your pneumonic device for the ORANGE markers and the ORANGE UPS placard, mmk?
Thanks everybody. Send me a paraphrased version  of this email so I know you read and understood it.


Katherine Tull-Potts, BA.