Do you like lists? Well, it doesn't matter because here's a list. It's called HOW TO DIET RESPONSIBLY and it'll knock your socks.
1. the night before you start the diet eat everything
2. food hangover
3. pretend a salad will satisfy you
4. if you can't have meat, get your protein from nuts, nature's candy
5. unless you have a nut allergy too, in which case eat air
6. wait, nature's candy is fruit
7. which, by the way, is your dessert from now on
8. whenever a co-worker flaunts a candy bar or a huge plate of pasta or a gargantuan pot of fondue, you may legally destroy them
9. if you have food dreams, the diet is working and you are crumbling
10. if the headaches and mood swings have subsided, you can start talking to people again
11. when you celebrate being halfway through you know the delusions have started
12. don't throw that plate of broccoli across the room, you can do it
13. or maybe you can't
14. never mind, just throw it
15. you have fully stopped going out with friends
16. they aren't your friends anyway
17. kale is your friend now
18. tell kale your problems
19. then eat it
20. then throw the rest across the room
21. wow, you're actually feeling better
22. holy cow, you look amazing
23. you can do anything!
24. aaaaand......diet's over EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT