Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- U.S. House Speaker John Boehner, in a brief floor speech Monday, tried to pin the pending sequester cuts on President Obama.
However, due to being spun around five times before the attempt, the Speaker only managed to pin the cuts on the statue of Daniel Webster. Everyone laughed, and then there was cake.
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Alan Cumming is bringing his one-man interpretation of William Shakespeare's tragic play, "Macbeth," to Broadway this spring, producers said Friday.
Shakespearian scholars already object to this casting, saying that Act 1, Scene 5 makes it clear which part the actor was intended to play: "My dearest love, Duncan is Cumming here tonight."
MEMPHIS (UPI) -- A group of about a dozen tuba players at the University of Memphis said they are taking Valentine's Day requests for romantic serenades.
Insiders say the most popular request by far is "Keep playing the tuba until she finally agrees to go on a date with me."
BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Baltimore Ravens' cheerleader Courtney Lenz says she was barred from performing at the Super Bowl Sunday because she gained less than two pounds.
A Ravens spokesperson says that this is routine, and cheerleaders have always been selected based on the performance of their U.K. investments.
NEW YORK (UPI) -- An American girl featured in the "Little House on the Prairie" books and TV series likely didn't go blind because of scarlet fever, researchers say.
Other findings hint that wardrobes don't lead to magical kingdoms, there weren't any spaceships long ago and far away, there was never a mouse that rode a motorcycle, and Sal doesn't even like blueberries.