Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
TORONTO (UPI) -- A 26-year-old man who was abused by his father was given a life sentence in Toronto Tuesday for killing his father with a crossbow in a public library.
Col. Mustard, released from prison this morning, says he may consider a wrongful arrest lawsuit as he attempts to rebuild his life.
ST-LOUIS-DE-BLANDFORD, Quebec (UPI) -- Thieves in Quebec stole about $30 million worth of maple syrup from a storage facility owned by the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers, officials said.
Mounties are currently searching for a very large and happy man passed out on a $15 million dollar pancake tower.
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) -- Hundreds of protesters marched through uptown Charlotte, N.C., Sunday in advance of the Democratic National Convention this week.
The streets echoed with chats of "Hey hey! Ho ho! We got here too early, shut up, we know!"
MOSCOW (UPI) -- An underwater drone is being developed in Russia, a defense industry official said.
Sources say that right now, the drone sounds like "Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" but it might quickly reach "Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" with a little more practice and a slightly different bathtub shape.
ITHACA, N.Y. (UPI) -- In the 1960s, some ate dinner with dimmed lighting with music playing on the stereo and it may have resulted in smaller waistlines, U.S. researchers say.
Others theorize that the research simply proves no one can keep down their dinner through two full sides of an easy listening album.