Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
COLOGNE, Germany (UPI) -- The Cologne City Council in Germany pardoned and rehabilitated the names of 38 "witches" who were executed in the 1600s, officials said.
But lawyers caution that anyone who shows up to accept the rehabilitation certificate could be charged with witchcraft again.
SAN DIEGO (UPI) -- Thirty-three percent of U.S. women say no to dating an unemployed man, but 42 percent would consider it if the man had a plan, a survey indicated.
The number jumps to 64% if a canal is also involved.
TAMPA, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida judge denied a lawyer's motion to delay a murder-for-hire trial so the attorney could participate in an Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest.
Tragically now, this year's competition will now always be marred by whispers of "What if?"
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. Justice Department said Friday it will not prosecute or investigate Attorney General Eric Holder following the House vote holding him in contempt.
But they reserve the right to stand with arms folded, in quiet judgment, every time he walks past them in the halls.
LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- Michigan State Police said talking urinal cakes with an anti-drunken driving message will be distributed to nearly 200 eateries before Wednesday.
The talking urinal cakes will promote safety, responsible drinking, and give the lonely drunk who sits in the corner someone to talk to.