Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
PITEA, Sweden (UPI) -- Police in Sweden said a fat cat was taken into custody after it was caught stealing food from a home.
Here in American, the fat cat would be offered an amnesty and a percentage of the home's value to cover his losses.
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- A New Jersey lawmaker, his favorite team stung by defeat, introduced a bill banning NFL replacement referees form officiating games in the Garden State.
Under terms of the bill, games will now be decided by an "American Idol" style call-in poll, which is still expected to be at least 78% more accurate than the current systems.
LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- Michigan farmers say Christmas tree and pumpkin crops are OK despite poor weather conditions this year.
Holiday coordinators are privately worried that their supply of Hanukkah oil is running low, but insiders assume that, based on tradition, it won't turn out to be an issue.
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The Transportation Security Administration's "pre-check" program, easing airport security lines, will continue to grow, a TSA spokesman said.
Insiders say the TSA is committed to the new program, and won't stop until every man, woman and child can quickly bypass the scanners that for some reason nobody can actually seem to remove.
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The protests against an obscure anti-Muslim video made in the United States have been whipped up by the "outrage machine," Salman Rushdie says.
Originally designed as an industrial whipped-creme robot, WX-57 gained sentience after a thunderstorm, and christened itself "The Outrage Machine" as it began a war against humanity.