Sean University: Books are boring, but we can FIX THEM!

by Sean Adams

The first in the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership's two-month series of non-business summer electives! Today’s lesson will focus on books, how they're boring, and how they can be improved.

You know how books put the title of the book at the top of every other page? That’s because most books are so boring that book companies need to constantly remind you what you’re reading so that you don’t forget, think it’s some sort of instruction manual, and try to use it to program your DVR.

But just saying books are boring isn’t enough. No, we need to approach this like scientists. When scientists find something wrong, they don’t just say, “Hey! That’s wrong!” They fix it! Well, we're going to do the same thing here! That's right, here are 4 things that I think will fix books:
1. Words that can fight each other: You know those old holographic images? The ones where when you shift them and the pictures move, like the baseball player swings his bat or something? Well, why not print books like that so that when you move the pages the words fight? Then, there'd be more incentive to keep reading, because every time you turned the page, you’d get to watch the words duke it out!
2. Footnotes that tell you what’s going on in outer space: If you’re like me, then you have a hard time paying attention to any book because you’re always thinking, “Man, I wonder what’s going on in outer space that might affect the story. Like is a meteor going to come down and crush one of the characters?” A simple foot note now and then letting you know “It’s calm up there” or “Uh oh! Here comes a spaceship!” would help relieve this anxiety.
3. All similes turned literal: Similes make an author’s descriptions interesting, sure. But think about how much MORE interesting it would be if they were all TOTALLY literal? For example: “His mustache was like a boomerang.” That’s a fine sentence, I guess; it gives you a pretty good idea of the shape of this guy's mustache. But does it compare to this: “His mustache WAS a boomerang.”? Now, we’re talking about a guy with a weapon ON HIS FACE! Come on! That’s awesome!
4. Rules for how the characters win: Books and board games are both made of cardboard, paper, and words. So why are board games so much more fun? Because you can win them! Well, why not make books winnable by setting some rules for the characters at the beginning? Like, “If Jacob cries at the edge of the ravine before Derrick gets caught by his lover's husband, he gets 6 points.” Then at the end of the book, you can tally up the points and see which character came out on top!

Those are my ideas for how to make books cool; now share yours in the comments below!