Sean University: Put Your Leftover Fireworks To Work!

by Sean Adams

America celebrates its birthday like everyone else: with a party, a cake, and a special week on the Woot blog. Except instead of a cake made out of cake that you eat off a table, America’s cake, called fireworks, is made out of light and gets served in the sky. Which is dumb, because the ground-part of America is way more important than the sky part. But that’s beside the point.

What’s really important here is, like with normal birthday cake, there can be leftovers, but unlike with normal birthday cake, you can’t eat them. That’s why I’d like to use today’s summer elective course here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership to discuss what you can do with the fireworks you didn’t use on the 4th.

[DISCLAIMER: Before doing any of the following things, please consult a professional, preferably a professional who works with fireworks. If you need help finding a fireworks professional, look for a guy holding fireworks wearing a tie.]

Concert Dullers: Imagine this – a girl or guy you really like just invited you to a concert. Sounds great, right? No, it doesn’t. Because you HATE the band that’s playing. Still, you want to go; you just don’t want to hear the music. Well, a couple of really loud booms before the show could be just what your ears need to start ringing and stop listening!

More Exciting Candles: Looking to add a little spice to your next power outage? Why not replace those boring waxy candles you usually use with some Roman Candles? Sure they might not last as long, but at least they’re not so BORING!

Burn Smell Testers: Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you smell something burning or not. It’s almost like you need something that’s definitely burning to compare smells with. That’s where fireworks come in! Just set one off and then take a deep breath. Does it smell more or less the same? Or is it smell distinctly more burny than before? If it’s the latter, then congratulations! There was nothing burning in that room before you set off the firework! (There might be something burning in there now, though.)

Blink Initiator: Don’t you hate it when you really have to blink but just can’t seem to get it out? Well, light up a few leftover fireworks, stare straight at them as they go off, and feel the relief!

That’s what I got. Now you tell me, what are you going to do with your leftover fireworks?