Babies: they're everywhere, especially when we fly coach. But how much do we really know about them? Ken Jennings of Jeopardy! fame asked if he could spend April debunking some persistent misconceptions about babies, in hopes that it will persuade the universe to deliver Beyoncé's twins this month. Hey—she cancelled Coachella on doctor's orders. It could happen.
The Debunker: Do Newborn Babies Cry?
Every parent knows that the old expression "to sleep like a baby" is malarkey. No one sleeps less soundly than a baby—and babies like to make sure that the insomnia is shared with the whole household. But what about the other parenting simile, "to cry like a baby"? Surely that one's safe. As the old song goes, "Every time I hear a newborn baby cry, or touch a leaf or see the sky, Then I know why!"
Well, it depends on what you mean by cry. If you mean "to howl at the top of one's lungs," as in "to cry bloody murder," then sure, babies are all about that action. But if you're thinking of the dictionary definition, "to shed tears," then no, newborns can't do that. Their tear ducts are fine—babies are born with basal lacrimation (the thin film of tears that keeps the eye moist) and reflex lacrimation (the tearing-up you might get from yawning, or bright light, or slicing an onion). But psychic lacrimation—shedding tears due to anger, sadness, or pain—is a more complex operation of the midbrain, and babies' little nervous systems don't develop it until three to twelve weeks after a birth. Take a close look at a yowling infant, and if it's just a few months old, it's probably crying without tears.
Parents are painfully aware of all the various liquids that can come out of their newborn babies at inauspicious times, but tears aren't on the list. Interestingly, neither is saliva. Infants don't start drooling until their second month, in preparation for teething and solid food. When your entire diet is liquid, saliva is just more trouble than it's worth.
Quick Quiz: What now-megastar had his first starring movie role as the title rebel in John Waters's 1990 film Cry-Baby?
Ken Jennings is the author of eleven books, most recently his Junior Genius Guides, Because I Said So!, and Maphead. He's also the proud owner of an underwhelming Bag o' Crap. Follow him at ken-jennings.com or on Twitter as @KenJennings.