Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
DULUTH, Minn (UPI) -- Paintings made by two artistic otters have been selling for about $35 each in a Minnesota aquarium's gift shop, said Cathie Dickey, who works there.
Additionally, every person who calls them "artters" has to pay $5 or be punched in the stomach by a security guard.
MOSCOW (UPI) -- A state-run Russian TV network said the country has 17 more billionaires than were counted last year.
Billionaires have now been moved off the "endangered" list, though the IMF is still considering them "threatened" and works to protect them from poachers.
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (UPI) -- Dutch customs officials said a suitcase containing 200 live tarantulas was seized from a German couple at an Amsterdam airport.
Sources say "seized" is a slightly misleading description, since the suitcase was quickly dropped, kicked across the floor, shot at twenty five times, then sealed in plastic before being thrown into an active volcano and screamed at.
PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- The University of Pennsylvania says it was among dozens of universities worldwide that were hacked with student and employee records then posted online.
Insiders say when this happens voluntarily, it's called Facebook.
EDMONTON, Alberta (UPI) -- Edmonton (Alberta) Police Superintendent Ed Keller said police are testing the use of chest-mounted cameras to record interactions with suspects and the public.
Officers will now wear hats that read "Your arrest is down there."