The Human Body Owner's Manual: 0 - 6 Months

by Randall Cleveland

Congratulations on the instance of random chance that led to your particular consciousness inhabiting this particular physical vessel! As the proud new owner of a Human Body™ (v1.2.1) your questions about the operation, maintenance, and features of your new body will be answered in this instruction manual.

This portion of the manual will cover the first six months of operation (or "life").




Your new Human Body will be delivered to you at no cost and with very little effort (though significant emotional trauma) on your part. Upon delivery of your new body, you must immediately prime and start your Human Body Respiratory System®. Failure to do so may result in damage or permanent loss of your Human Body. (For detailed instructions on the starting and operation of your Human Body Respiratory System®, please see the FEATURES section.)

Once running, your Human Body Respiratory System® should continue unimpeded with no further input from you for the duration of your ownership. If your Human Body Respiratory System® does not start or does not continue running, please seek immediate assistance from the nearest Human Body Delivery Technician or Human Body Caretaker®.

NOTE: Though not technically required, Human Genome highly recommends using the services of a certified Human Body Delivery Technician for delivery of your new body.



Much care is taken and painstaking genetic craftsmanship is used in the handcrafting of your unique, personalized, one of a kind (disregard if you have manifested in the Human Body TWIN model) Human Body. We at Human Genome pride ourselves on attention to detail, although any operation running on such a scale can sometimes experience defective or erroneous construction. Please take a moment to review and inspect your Human Body™ for inconsistencies. Any concerns should be brought to the immediate attention of your Human Body Caretaker®.

NOTE: Your Human Body™ will require at least one Human Body Caretaker® (of either gender) for the first several years of ownership. For best results, Human Genome recommends a minimum of two Human Body Caretaker® units.

Your Human Body™ is shipped placenta-sealed and compacted. Please allow for expansion in a well-ventilated area to remove any smell and impressions left by compression.

Please refer to the diagram above:

The HEAD of your body serves as primary processor and input sensor casing. The head should generally be round, although due to the compression and delivery process, may initially have a conical shape. This is normal and should dissipate within a few weeks.

Your Human Body EYE comes in a set of two on the forward-facing side of your head. The eyes are your optical sensors and will serve as your main sensory input devices, and should be what you're using to visually inspect your new body. Initially your vision may be blurry, and consist only of vague shapes. This is perfectly normal; your eyes will adjust to their use and vision should sharpen.

NOTE: Eyes will require frequent cleaning and lubrication. Clean and lubricate your eyes by blinking. Avoid using any sort of cleaning instrument or products other than Human Body™-approved blinking, or damage may occur.

Ears should be symmetrically located on either side of your HEAD. These will serve as your primary auditory sensors. Ears may produce wax; this is normal. Avoid putting anything inside your ears or your warranty may be voided.

Your body should come with one NOSE. The nose can be used to detect smells. Smells, at first, may seem confusing. Eventually you will discover more pleasant smells. Your Human Body will produce a variety of smells throughout your ownership, ranging from pleasant to offensive.

The mouth is your primary intake for fuel. Initially your body will require a rich, liquid mixture. Human Genome recommends you fuel your body with Human Milk® to develop properly. Your mouth also serves as your most effective means of communication.

Although your mouth and its internal components will take some time to develop the dexterity for your chosen language, you will find generic wailing and screaming to be extremely effective at summoning any nearby Human Body Caretaker® units to assist you.

For these first six months, all components of your body below the head will not be of much use while neural connections develop. You may notice your Human Body Caretaker® units wrap  your body tightly. This is perfectly normal and is done so to prevent inadvertent damage to your body.

Use your MOUTH to indicate to your Human Body Caretaker® units any need of fueling, cleaning, or other maintenance you may require. For this initial phase, your responsibilities are minor and consist only of eating and growing.

For instructions regarding the next stage of your body ownership, please read Section 2.