The Monkey Games 2012: Wootier, Goofier, Monkier

by Jason Toon

Once a year, the greatest "athletes" on the Woot staff come together to "compete" in the kinds of "sports" that require "ironic quotation marks". How can you play your part? First, meet the teams below and pick one to root for, for some arbitrary reason. Why should you care about our internal company games? Well, you probably don't personally know any of the athletes competing in London either...

Second, buy some limited-edition official Monkey Games gear, just like the "pros" wear!

Third, make your own Woot Games torch and post it to the appropriate blog post! Don't post it here - we'll consider that a line fault and disqualify you. Our favorite will get a prize much, much less desirable than a gold medal.

Now, read on to meet the teams! Pick your favorite! Talk smack! Because there isn't any other major athletic competition going on in the world right now, as far as we know…


Farts & Sciences (Brown): Woot's creative, social media, and marketing peeps are going to be every bit as fearsome on the playing field as you'd expect from a bunch of creative, social media, and marketing peeps. Consensus pick for Most Likely To Be Implicated In A Doping Scandal, Then Lose Anyway.

Atomic C++ Vikings (Red): Not the most athletic bunch, but just wait until they hack into the medal-count database...

Customer Obsessed Wooters! (Navy): When you spend all day slinging boxes into trucks and running a shirt factory, flinging monkeys is nothing. Look for this brawny squad to camp out on the medal podium.

Flying Pu (Kelly Green): From Colonel Crap to ThunderThighs, this motley bunch of salespeople, merchandisers, photographers, and moderators brings the most star power to the Games. But can they put aside the glitz and the glamour to focus on the games, or will they crack under the pressure?

TACOCAT (Slate): The Deals.Woot, HR, and Customer Service teams are about to drop the furry palindromic hammer on all comers - and all goers. (Because of the palindrome thing, get it?)

The Assets (Cranberry): Don't let the slide rules and pasty complexions fool you. This team of accounting and finance types took the Golden Monkey last year and are hungry for a repeat.

The Honey Badgers (Black): The purchasing crew is well-schooled in hunting for gold in the form of great deals. Now they're stalking a different prey: gold medals. (Note: no actual gold will change hands during the Monkey Games).

That should give you enough to decide where your lifelong, undying loyalty should lie. But if you're the bandwagon type just looking to pick a winner, here's how the teams performed in early action yesterday, with the Monkey Toss for distance…

  1. Gold: The Honey Badgers, 47.8 ft. (avg. distance)
  2. Silver: Atomic C++ Vikings, 42.2 ft.
  3. Bronze: The Assets, 41.4 ft.
  4. Flying Pu, 41.3 ft.
  5. Customer Obsessed Wooters!, 40.2 ft.
  6. TACOCAT, 37.1 ft.
  7. Farts & Sciences, 33.9 ft.

Today our competitors will do battle with a ping-pong machine, some plastic cups, and their own demons, setbacks, and naysayers. Look for more Monkey Games updates all this week and next, for some reason!