Tuesday, January 15

So You Want to Be a Famous Writer, Part 2: Your Manuscript

by Randall Cleveland

Now that you've secured a crippling personality defect that fans and journalists can use to paint you with the broadest of strokes, it's time to get to the actual task of writing. Any writers' forum online will tell you that you need to start writing immediately and often because writing is like any other exercise in that you have to do it often to get good at it. These people are idiots.

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Tuesday, December 04

 

Friday, October 19

So You Want to Be A Famous Writer

by Randall Cleveland

Writing is one of the least-valued and under-appreciated occupations a person can get into. Seriously. Go check out Monster.com's listings for "writers." Check out how many goofballs are convinced you'll be willing to crank out six articles a day for "exposure." If you've ever had the privilege of working as a writer in a company or agency, you know it's pretty much a non-stop barrage of Could you please justify your existence again? and I'm not sure how to allocate you on a spreadsheet, exactly.

How do you get around this indignity? Simple: you become one of the greats. And I'm going to show you how with free, easy to understand lessons right here because I'm probably the nicest guy on the planet.

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Tuesday, July 31

So You Want to Start A Shadowy Cabal of Assassins! Chapters 1-3

by Randall Cleveland

Greetings! If you're reading this you've taken the first step towards establishing your own sinister league of assassins for nefarious purposes: purchasing this book!


Shooting Nocturne - Assassin's Creed - Louvres - Paris - 2011-10-01- P1260121
Training is a joy when you're an assassin! And incredibly attractive.

NOTE: UNAUTHORIZED/ILLEGAL DOWNLOAD OR DISTRIBUTION OF THIS WORK WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF ALL APPLICABLE LAWS

Sure, television and movies make it look easy, but there's a lot that goes into establishing yourself as an insidious global force of death and mayhem. Lucky for you, you've acquired the best guide on the market! Read on, and learn the inside tricks of the trade that other assassins won't share because they're too worried you'll take their business!

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Thursday, July 19

Sean University: Read Em and Sleep!

by Sean Adams


 
What does it mean when your phone won’t turn on? It means you forgot to charge it and it ran out of battery power. Well, guess what? People are a lot like phones; they also need to be charged in order to work properly. But people and phones also have their differences too. For example, you can’t just plug people in to give them more energy (yet). Instead, they need sleep to recharge.


Also, when people are tired, the repercussions can be way more serious than when phones are tired. An over-tired phone just turns itself off. An over-tired person, on the other hand, forgets to turn stuff off, like the burner under the tea kettle, except he doesn’t have a tea kettle and what he thought was the burner is actually just a lamp, and so now, everyone at the tea party is going to be disappointed, or they would be if he remembered to invite them over. Also, how long has he been in in this tub and why didn’t he take off his hiking boots?

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Tuesday, July 17

Unfair Comparisons: On Trumpets, Fans, and the Future!

by Sean Adams

1. An Antique Claw-Footed Bathtub vs. Two Trumpets in terms of Avoiding Illness

To avoid illness, you want to keep yourself clean. But you also want to limit your exposure to other people’s germs. So while you can wash yourself off in a claw foot tub, you’re also risking your good health by lowering yourself into something that very well may be encrusted with several generations’ worth of sickness. So, instead of taking a nasty bath in a dirty old tub, drink lots and lots of fluids. How will you stay thirsty enough to keep drinking, you ask? Simple: by spitting. What’s the most productive way to spit, you ask? Simple: by playing trumpet. What’s better than playing just one trumpet, you ask? Simple: playing two trumpets.

Advantage:

Two Trumpets

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Tuesday, July 10

Completely Unfair Comparisons: We Have Returned

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Thin Layer of Wax vs. Lava in terms of Doing a Triathlon

Lava can be great for training purposes when it comes to the bike or the run – nothing inspires you to go faster like turning around and seeing a bunch of lava – but for the swim, it could prove detrimental. Think about it: lava is liquid rock, and a fear of liquids is not what you need to dive right into whatever body of water you have to doggy-paddle across. On the other hand, a thin layer of wax could be just what you need. Just coat the bottom of your foot and bam! You’re protected from the harsh surface of the road, path, or peddle without wasting valuable time ripping off a pair of shoes before you jump in the water.

Advantage:

A Thin Layer of Wax
 

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Tuesday, June 26

Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Darts, Art, and Friendship

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Headband vs. A Twin in terms of Playing Darts

Since your twin is the exact same person as you, he would probably make a pretty evenly-matched dart partner (or “dartner,” as the pros say). And having someone to play darts with may seem absolutely necessary. But it isn’t. Darts is a turn-based game, and while you may be racing to another player, your main opponent is the board itself. And let me tell you, the board is a fierce competitor. Seriously, the way it just hangs there, barely flinching as you throw sharp objects at it: why, it’s enough to make you lose your head. Or, at least, it would be if you didn’t have something wrapped around your head, reminding you at every moment that it is, in fact, there.

Advantage:

A Headband

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Tuesday, June 05

Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Light Houses, Curses, and Hard Times

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

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