Wednesday, August 03

The Dangers of Discount Taxidermy

by Randall Cleveland

We here at Woot are no strangers to the joys of cleaning and displaying various animal pieces in your home, so we can appreciate the enthusiasm some people have for taxidermy. After all, it's an art, and it's a way to commemorate and memorialize your triumphant kill, a favorite pet, or maybe just that thing you thought was a Chupacabra in your yard. Of course in every profession there is an upper echelon, but Terrible Taxidermy focuses on one of those lower echelons. Way lower...

 

Screen shot 2011-08-03 at 12.13.06 PM
"We'll put it behind some shrubs. No one will notice."

 

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Tuesday, August 02

James Cameron Goes Deep

by Sean Adams

Along with several other millionaires and billionaires, director James Cameron is building a tiny, ridiculously expensive submarine (or submersible) to explore an area of perpetual darkness in the western Pacific known as the "Challenger Deep." He claims that this is just a fun adventure and has nothing to do with any sort of blockbuster-in-the-making. But through sources I can't reveal, I actually got ahold of his to-do list for the journey, and I'm not so sure I believe him. Take a look and decide for yourself:

  • Build submersible with very limited oxygen supply (dramatic exit?)
  • Hold meeting where I am told submersible is not ready due to unexpected issues
  • Stubbornly yell, "To hell with your issues!"
  • Break into lab in middle of night
  • Board submersible and prepare for descent (against orders = ominous music!)
  • Go into Challenger Deep and find never-before-discovered species of sea creature
  • Sea creatures should probably look like people, just enough so it's not so weird when I fall in love with one (forehead prostheses: too Trek?)
  • Girl sea creatures should probably have breasts or breast-like appendages, so it's not so weird when I get busy with one
  • Girl sea creature that I get busy with with: trapped in loveless marriage? Arranged to be married to jerk sea creature? Expert martial artist jerk sea creature? (underwater fighting = automatic slow motion!!!)
  • Defeat sea creature husband/fiancé in grimly ironic manner (avalanche? oxygen tank? stuffing gills with fistfuls of soil? gun?)
  • Ending option 1: Grow gills and stay forever in land untouched by humanity (Thing to consider: guy with gills already done in Waterworld. Forever a step behind you, Costner!!!)
  • Ending option 2: Don’t grow gills, remember oxygen thing with submersible, say good-bye to sexy sea creature of my dreams, and try to make it back to the surface
  • Die? (Depends on whether sad ending seems right or not - feel it out when time comes)

Photo by Flickr user shansby. Used under a Creative Commons License.

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A Perfectly Rational Call to Make Steller's Jays Extinct

by Randall Cleveland

We spend a lot of time, effort, and money every year trying to protect various species from extinction. Most times, I totally get it: we sprayed DDT all over and it was screwing with California Condors, so we had to step in and protect them. Other times, I kind of wonder what the point is: if pandas don't want to have sex, isn't that natural selection pretty much taking its course? Every once in awhile, though, I come down on the complete opposite side of the equation: actively campaigning for the systematic murder of an entire animal species. And the Steller's Jay is on my hit list...

 

Steller's Jay
Just look at the cocky bastard.

 

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Wednesday, July 27

Furrier, Pussycat! Knit! Knit!

by Jason Toon

I tried not to get creeped by out the imminent release of Crafting with Cat Hair. Sure, the idea seems depressing, weaving together gimmicky craftster one-upmanship and unsettling cat-lady obsessiveness. But hey, my inner voice of tolerance asked, is it really that different from using wool? And isn't it commendable that cat-hair crafters are taking gross, useless animal detritus and turning it into cute finger puppets and whatnot? Don't be so quick to judge, Toon. Why, I bet the cat-hair crafting community could teach me a lot about how to be happy, how to make the best of my surroundings, how to live a fulfilled and fearless life.

Then I scrolled down.

Yes, the only thing that Crafting with Cat Hair fans also buy on Amazon is a movie where 17-year-old Ellen Page convinces a pedophile to take her home, then drugs him, ties him up, and tortures him.

That's what I get for listening to my inner voice of tolerance. I'd rather not know what cat-hair crafts have to do with pedophile torture. Just stay the hell away from me and my family, you fur-weaving, jail-baiting creeps.

Have you seen a disturbing, funny, or bizarre Amazon "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section? Lay it on me in the comments below...

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Wednesday, July 20

Come Back, Stabler, Come Back: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Couples who want to marry at New York City clerks' offices Sunday, the day gay marriage becomes legal in the state, have to take their chances in a lottery.

This decision finally proves beyond any doubt that homosexuality will lead to gambling.

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Wednesday, July 13

They Say That Sauce Is A Bad Pastaf-: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

RIVIERA BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they arrested a man accused of holding a knife to the throat of a 60-year-old relative during an argument about a remote control.

Experts say that much energy could have been better used in just walking over and changing the channel.

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Wednesday, July 06

Superman Had No Comment Regarding His Cape: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LA JOLLA, Calif. (UPI) -- Thirty-seven strawberries a day may help keep diabetes complications away, U.S. researchers say.

The research has been condemned by fans of classical poetry.

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Wednesday, June 22

Hail Fudgy Lothlorien: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CHIHUAHUA CITY, Mexico (UPI) -- Mexico says a reputed high-ranking drug trafficker was in the custody of federal police Sunday following his arrest by the army in Chihuahua City.

Reportedly the army wore him down with steady, unexplainable staring coupled with bouts of non-stop yapping.

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Tuesday, June 21

Is There a Non-Creepy Way to Say "I Had a Dream About You?"

by Randall Cleveland

I grew up in a small suburban town in Illinois; my graduating class was right around 100, and there were only a little over 400 kids total in the high school. One of those kids was a girl in my class named Tasha. She was one of the "hot" girls of my class, beautiful and smiling and popular. This may come as a shock of you, dear reader, but I was not a popular kid in school. My path didn't cross Tasha's much, I assume because her path involved getting invited to parties and things and my path involved fighting with my girlfriend and seeing three movies a weekend. She wasn't mean or anything, we just ran in very different crowds. We're friends on Facebook, but aside from my annual "this isn't awkward at all" Happy Birthday post on her wall, we don't keep in touch.

And I'm fine with that. I don't wish I could go back in time, I don't pine for her affection, and Tasha's really kind of ancillary to this story, but I'm introducing you to her here to give you an idea of our (lack of a) relationship...

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Wednesday, June 15

And A Green Skeleton From The Later Seasons: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

FORT PIERCE, Fla. (UPI) -- Florida police said they are searching for a pair of women videotaped stealing 75 sticks of deodorant from a Winn Dixie store.

Tragically, bloodhounds are proving useless.

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