Wednesday, October 31

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Farewell

by Sean Adams

This is it, you guys: my last Completely Unfair Comparisons post. It’s been a fun run, but I’m putting this blog feature to rest to focus on something new. Hence today’s only comparison:

A Car Alarm vs. A Bouquet of Flowers in terms of Saying Good Bye

When you hear a car alarm, you flinch. You move away from it if you can; if not, you wait for it to be turned off. When the noise goes away, you feel satisfied. Quiet seems more pleasant than before. Could it have felt this way if you had never heard the car alarm? Doubtful. Flowers are far sweeter. At least, to begin with. But they always end up dying in front of your eyes. By the time they’re nasty and wilted, you won’t remember how sweet they were. So, to sum this up: saying good bye with a car alarm = satisfaction. Saying good-bye with flowers = a slow, disappointing fade.

Advantage:


A Car Alarm

 

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Wednesday, October 24

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Shellin'

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. An Oyster Shell vs. An Egg Shell in terms of A Hat That’ll Make the Ladies Swoon

If we’re going by smell, the oyster shell loses. But let’s say, for the purpose of this argument, that both options are sterilized. An egg on the head looks like an egg on the brain, i.e. it’s going to send the message that you want kids. Some ladies will like that, sure, but not all of them. Pearls, on the other hand? Everyone loves those things! And where do pearls come from? Oysters. Done deal.

Advantage:

An Oyster Shell

 

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Wednesday, October 10

Completely Unfair Comparisons: The Internet Always Wins!

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Bratwurst vs. Huge Muscles in terms of Sweater Shopping

Huge muscles are strong. But sometimes they can be too strong for their own good. For example, when you’re trying on sweaters. Flex a little bit too much while you’re trying it on, and next thing you know, you’re muscles are bursting through the seams and you’ve gotta pay for a sweater that clearly didn’t fit anyway. No, a bratwurst is the right man for this job. After eating one you’ll feel nourished and satisfied, which means you’ll be ready to really assess each sweater for its merits, not just grab the first one because you're too hungry to think.

Advantage:


Bratwurst

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Wednesday, October 03

Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Personal Moons

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Trained Hawk vs. Moss in terms of Getting Rid of that Weird Smell

First of all, what’s the hawk trained to do? I’ll tell you what: play piano! Because, c’mon: if you’re going to go through the trouble of training a hawk, you might as well make it fun, right? You don't just want to just train it to do hawk stuff, because that wouldn’t be very exciting at all. So, while a trained hawk can fill a room with the sound of its keys, it can’t empty a room of a weird smell. But moss can. See, moss is from nature, which means it smells kinda weird itself. So if you pile enough of it into a room, you’ll stop smelling the other smell and start smelling the moss!

Advantage:


Moss
 

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Wednesday, September 26

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Cinder-ella Stories

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

 

1. Cinder Blocks vs. Iguanas in terms of Shipping and Receiving

You can’t train a cinder block to ship or receive. It’s just not in their nature, because, you know, they’re not living creatures. They’re blocks. Now, considering that iguanas are living creatures, you might think that they WOULD be trainable. You’d be wrong. And it’s for that reason that cinder blocks get the advantage here; you’ll just put them aside and get on with your day, without spending valuable time and energy trying to get them to help you out.

Advantage:


Cinder Blocks

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Wednesday, September 19

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Pirate-y stuff!

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Rigatoni vs. Broad Shoulders in terms of Sailing the High Seas

Rigatoni? That’d help you fit in to Italy, but this isn’t “Rigatoni vs. Broad Shoulders in terms of Sailing to Italy,” is it? No, we’re talking about sailing the high seas. That’s why broad shoulders win hands down. Think about it: the sea is wide and expansive, your shoulders are wide and expansive, that means you two have a way to relate to each other. You can be like, “Not easy being so expansive, huh sea?” and the sea will be like, “Finally, someone who understands!” and give you safe passage.

Advantage:


Broad Shoulders
 

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Wednesday, September 05

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Buffalo!

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Ghosts vs. Sulfur in terms of Blocking a Door
 
A real ghost will certainly keep people out of a room, but here’s the problem: they need to go into the room at least once to see the ghost, get scared, and decide never to return. In that way, the ghost hasn’t blocked the door; it’s made people refrain from trying to use that door in the future. Unlike a ghost, sulfur has actual weight to it. You put enough sulfur up against the door, no one’s going to be able to push through. Nor would anyone want to: after all, the smell of sulfur wafting out from under a door doesn’t exactly scream, “c’mon in!”
 
Advantage:

Sulfur
 

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Tuesday, August 28

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Rhymed Reason

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Sled vs. A Shed in terms of Street Cred

Being able to build a high-quality shed is impressive. A lot of work must go into make sure it’s structurally-sound enough to withstand the elements. However, sheds are not portable. So, you can’t bring your shed to the street and score respect with it. Sleds, meanwhile, are built to be portable. Their only purpose in life is to move. So you can definitely drag a sled you built onto the street, and if the street is covered in snow, you can earn respect by offering rides.

Advantage:

A Sled
 

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Tuesday, August 21

Completely Unfair Comparisons: Back for the bacon!

by Sean Adams
You guys, I never meant to take a 3 week break from Completely Unfair Comparisons. However, then the Contest of Countries started, and there was back-to-school advice to be given, and I lost track of things. But I’m past all that now! And I’m back just in time for this Bacon Woot-Off! That’s why, this week, we’re focusing on the two quintessential breakfast meats. That’s right: it’s bacon vs. sausage!

1. Bacon vs. Sausage in terms of Feeling Love

One sausage patty or sausage link is enough for a sandwich. Doubling-up would be nutritionally irresponsible and logistically difficult to eat. That’s why, as Three Dog Night so eloquently put it, “Sausage is the loneliest meat.” Bacon is a different story altogether. A quality bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwich requires not one but two strips of bacon arranged in an “x” formation. This crisscrossing allows for maximum egg-area covered, and thus the widest distribution of the bacon flavor. Long story short: bacon, like love, requires that there be two.

Advantage:

 


Bacon
 

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Tuesday, July 24

Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Dining, Unlocking, and Bowling

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Oars vs. Eyes in terms of Getting a Table at the Hottest New Restaurant

People say that you can communicate a lot with your eyes, but that’s the same as saying that you can communicate a lot with Russian: it only works if the other person’s fluent. So even if you could get your eyes to say just the right thing to get you a table at the hottest new restaurant, there’s no guarantee that the maitre d’ will even be able to read it. Oars are totally different. There’s no mistaking their meaning; they show strength and ruggedness. Walking into a restaurant with oars implies you came by boat, so it’s basically like you’re basically saying, “I used my arm-strength to get me here. Now, are you going to give me a table, or am I going to have to use my arm strength to get that too?”

Advantage:

Oars
 

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