CES 2014: Our Fake Recap

by Scott Lydon

 

CES, the annual Consumer Electronics Show, is a glittering week-long extravaganza that boils from the very heart of Las Vegas, a big pile of sin in the middle of the desert. It sounds like the most perfect thing in the world, doesn't it? Except - it's not. It's boring and tedious and nobody has free Wi-Fi and the food is greasy and there's no time for fun and, well, UGH! So this year, Woot.com has chosen to stay and home and just make up a bunch of lies about what we would have seen had we gone. This is... Fauxverage 2014!

Right after the jump, of course. See you inside.

 

Naturally, if we had gone to CES, we would have stayed at an amazing hotel, and used a ton of charm to leverage our way into the biggest scoops just like the real journalists do. So let's just peek over their shoulders, k? K.

Techcrunch poses an interesting question: Is wearable tech a valid direction for the future? It's a fair question, we think. Why is everyone losing their mind about wearable computers? Didn't we learn what a disaster they were in junior high, when the teacher took away our Space Invaders watch and didn't give it back until June? Nevertheless (just like with 3D TV) the world's engineers have decided on our behalf. The watchputers are coming. We can only assume that a peripheral charm bracelet is the logical next step.

 

Team Gizmodo let us know about this giant bendable TV that can curve on command! Clearly, that's a bold step forward to the TV building block set children have always dreamed about. Can't you imagine the joy in your little one's face when they can build AND watch the football game?

 

We don't want to leave out CNet. They peeked into the less-visited corners of CES to report on a range and the microwave collection. That's good news for the technology that gets the most attention in our homes. America does so love cutting edge ovens!

 

And, to end our list of gadgets, we turn to Engadget (see what we did there?) and their report on the amazing Oculus Rift, a sort of video game visor that takes gaming to a new, more realistic level. Just be aware it's nowhere near as exciting as the "Oculus Raft" which we hear is an inflatable rubber device that brings gamers into a true level of reality. And wait until you see that water texture!

 

We hope you've enjoyed this year's fake CES recap at LEAST as much as you enjoyed our previous real ones.

Images courtesy of in-house sketch fiend Zach Roy. Thanks, Zach!