Since it's the week leading up to Father's Day, we're celebrating dads here on Completely Unfair Comparisons. The format is still the same - Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z - except in the following 3 comparisons, the functions will all be dad-centric. Hope you enjoy!
1. A Monocle vs. An Outgoing Demeanor in terms of Getting Your Kid to Mow the Lawn
If you’re asking your kid to mow the lawn, he’s probably somewhere in his early to late teens. At this age, an outgoing demeanor will provide little motivation. In fact, a sluggish teen will probably find niceties irritating. A monocle is a whole different story. Why would a father suddenly start wearing a monocle? The most likely story would be some sort of old person eye disease, which would not only render mowing the lawn dangerous for the monocle wearer, but might also involve a long-winded old-person story. Therefore, the teen will probably volunteer to mow the lawn in order to avoid the story. Because 1 out of 2 isn’t that bad.
2. Good Marksmanship vs. The Doppler Radar in terms of Establishing that Perfect Mix of Support and Indifference
If there’s one thing that history’s taught us it’s that if you want people to think you’re on their side, you shouldn’t point guns at them. For this reason, good marksmanship may actually be counterproductive to maintaining that distinctly patriarchal emotional distance while still showing you care. Instead, you need to first establish your support; then you need to find something to distract you, something that’ll demand your attention, something that’ll feed you information on an important but ultimately unpredictable topic like the weather.
3. Whipped Cream vs. A Chandelier in terms of Teaching a Child to Ride a Bike
Chandeliers have little to teach a child about riding a bike. They’re stationary and they hang downwards. Bikes are mobile, and if you’re doing it right, they stay upright. Whipped cream, meanwhile, is both light and substantive at the same time. In order for it to be enjoyed responsibly, your child must learn to indulge in its airiness while also acknowledging that it is deceptively rich. In much the same way, to ride a bike your child must embrace the gliding sensation while acknowledging the risks.
In terms of last week's Rebuttal of the Week, that goes to user cbrett42, who returned after a long absence to take me down a peg by refuting my lighthouses over croutons argument for waking up ready to face the day:
To wake up fresh and ready for the day, you need a good night's sleep. Have you ever tried getting a good night's sleep with a light repeatedly shining into your window every few minutes? Therefore, light houses are out.
Meanwhile, croutons have complex carbohydrates. Complex carbohydrates from the night before give you a nice store of energy to draw from. So eating croutons before bed ensures that you are well-energized and truly fresh and ready for the day when you wake up in the morning.
Finally! My pre-sleep crouton binges have some scientific justification! Now, for next week we're going to do another Blank Comparison Competition. Please submit your argument to the following in the comments and I'll name a winner in next week's post:
A Venus Fly Trap vs. A Championship Belt in terms of What Every Dad Should Have
Photos:"Preparing for High Tea" by flickr user, rcourtie; "ILX - Central Illinois Doppler Radar - NOAA" by flickr user, HAM guy; "whipped cream" by flickr user, nerissa's ring.. All used under a Creative Commons License.