Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Light Houses, Curses, and Hard Times

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Polyester vs. Cotton in terms of a Role Model for Getting through Hard Times

Cotton is comfortable at first. It’s soft. It breathes. But it also shrinks after it gets cleaned. That’s why you can’t rely on cotton. Polyester, meanwhile, is far more resilient. It doesn’t wrinkle. It doesn’t shrink. It stays strong in the face of adversity. Now, I’m sure there are nay-sayers out there, saying, “But nay, it doesn’t breath!” Well, in my opinion, that’s a good thing. Sometimes, when you’re in the thick of a tough situation, you don’t have time to stop and catch your breath.

Advantage:

Polyester

2. Croutons vs. Light Houses in terms of Waking up Fresh and Ready for the Day

Here’s the main thing about croutons: they’re crunchy. So maybe you think the jarring, abrasive noise they make when being eaten is enough to wake someone up, but consider this: crunch time traditionally happens at the end of something (right before a deadline or in the final minutes of an athletic contest, for example). Light houses, much like the sun, provide light. The sun comes up in the morning. The morning is when most people wake up.

Advantage:

Light Houses

3. A Can Red Paint vs. A Measuring Cup in terms of Lifting the Ancient Curse

Where there are curses, there are riddles and traps and puzzles and tombs that need to be opened and jungles that need to be explored and danger that needs to be encountered. What I’m getting at is that an ancient curse can be exhausting, and the last thing you want to do is risk all your hard work by eyeballing a measurement. So you need to have a measuring cup on your person at all times. As for a can of red paint, they didn’t even have cans in ancient times. They had crushed berries or whatever. That’s why the paint on ancient cars would always wash away in the rain [CITATION NEEDED].

Advantage:

A Measuring Cup

Now, to crown the king of last week's post, otherwise known as The Rebuttal of the Week. This week's lucky user is curtise, who kills my abstract argument for why a visor is better than a harness for dealing with change with an abstract argument of his own:

In my book, a harness beats a visor every time when it comes to dealing with change! You simply need to remember that when you are harnessed in, you can not run away screaming in sheer terror from the pain, the horror of said newness!! You're locked in, and you might even feel sort of safe while you become accustomed to the "new normal" as your skin crawls. A visor would actually make it easier to run away, as it helps reduce glare (and the subsequent risk of tripping) whilst you are hot-footting it away from change. 

A smart person wouldn't set himself up to be outsmarted each week. Well, luckily for you, I'm not a very smart person. So go ahead: look at the above comparisons, let me have it, and I might just discuss your intellectual superiority next Tuesday.

Photos:"Purple Polyester Fabric" by flickr user, shaire productions; "light house" by flickr user, digital sextant; "Pouring the molasses" by flickr user, waitscm.. All used under a Creative Commons License.