Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Personal Moons

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Trained Hawk vs. Moss in terms of Getting Rid of that Weird Smell

First of all, what’s the hawk trained to do? I’ll tell you what: play piano! Because, c’mon: if you’re going to go through the trouble of training a hawk, you might as well make it fun, right? You don't just want to just train it to do hawk stuff, because that wouldn’t be very exciting at all. So, while a trained hawk can fill a room with the sound of its keys, it can’t empty a room of a weird smell. But moss can. See, moss is from nature, which means it smells kinda weird itself. So if you pile enough of it into a room, you’ll stop smelling the other smell and start smelling the moss!


2. A Shiv vs. An Australian Accent in terms of Getting your Crew to Lay the Railroad Tracks Faster

The shiv is meant to be inconspicuous: easily made, easily used, easily hidden. Shiving a member of your crew will just mean you’re down a member. Additionally, it might inspire others to make and use their own shivs. That’s no good at all. Now, threatening your crew in an Australian accent? That’s how you get results. Australia’s wild country. They eat alligators down there. So who knows what ghastly stuff an Australian would do to a slow-working crew!


An Australian Accent

2. Snickerdoodle Cookies vs. A Wrench in terms of What You Want Orbiting You Like Your Own Personal Moon

Snickerdoodles are good cookies. They’re sweet. They’re simple. They’re easy to make. Everyone loves snickerdoodles. Including you, and that’s the problem. You see a snickerdoodle in orbit around your body, your first instinct will be to grab it and eat, but that would totally throw off your tides. No, a wrench is better. More useful and less appealing!


A Wrench

But enough about that stuff. Let's talk about last week's stuff. The Rebuttal of the Week goes to johnnyicem... who uses the iguana's nature to prove why they'd do well in shipping and receiving:

While Iguanas, as you implied, aren't trainable, they do like food.
Step 1: Similar to a homing pigeon, strap a letter or package to the back of an Iguana.
Step 2: Prepare a nice salad at the place you want the delivery to arrive. Iguanas are herbivores, and love salad.
Step 3: Wait for Iguana to get hungry and search for food.
Step 4: Delivery.
Cinder Blocks do not eat, therefore will not search for food, and thus will not deliver packages.
Advantage: Homing Iguanas.

Anytime you can lay out your answer in 4 clear steps, you're a winner in my book. And by book, I mean blogpost. Can you rebutt me? Argue with my arguments and you just might be here next week!

Photos: "Moss on a log" by flickr user, Kid Cowboy; "Sydney opera house" by flickr user, jimmyharris; "Wrench DOF" by flickr user, LadyDragonflyCC <3. All used under a Creative Commons License.