Completely Unfair Comparisons: The Internet Always Wins!

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Bratwurst vs. Huge Muscles in terms of Sweater Shopping

Huge muscles are strong. But sometimes they can be too strong for their own good. For example, when you’re trying on sweaters. Flex a little bit too much while you’re trying it on, and next thing you know, you’re muscles are bursting through the seams and you’ve gotta pay for a sweater that clearly didn’t fit anyway. No, a bratwurst is the right man for this job. After eating one you’ll feel nourished and satisfied, which means you’ll be ready to really assess each sweater for its merits, not just grab the first one because you're too hungry to think.

Advantage:


Bratwurst

2. Brownie Batter vs. A Touch Screen in terms of Taming a Bear

Here’s a thing: you’re taming a bear. You’re not teaching a bear to work at your start-up. So brownie batter is the better tool here. If can teach a bear not to beg for brownie batter, it means you’ll have no problem establishing yourself as an alpha, which is the key to training any animal. A touch screen is too delicate. Would it be cool to have a bear that could work an iPhone? Sure. But you can’t start the taming process there, because it’s just not practical.

Advantage:


Brownie Batter

3. The Internet vs. Flowers in terms of Winning a Game of Freeze Tag

The Internet wins! Why? Why not is more like it! And it doesn’t matter the competition or the function! The Inernet always wins! ALWAYS! [It’s watching right now. I need to be careful. Unspeakably terrible things happen to those that insult the internet on the internet.]

Advantage:




The Internet

Now for last week’s Rebuttal of the Week. User vigilante1987 beats me with the science behind why snickerdoodles make better moons than wrenches:

Sorry, have to disagree with you on the Snickerdoodle vs. Wrench. Snickerdoodles have very little mass, thus not much gravitational pull. Tidal effects should be minimal when you eat it (which, of course you eventually will.) On the other hand, if the wrench is in a decaying orbit, at some point in the future you are going to get smacked in the head by a heavy metal object.

Do I agree with (or understand) this argument. Not exactly, but it sounds smart and I don’t want people to think I’m dumb for overlooking it. Can you play directly to my insecurities? Go ahead, give it a shot: post your argument to one of the above comparisons, and I just might pick it next week!

Photos: "Bratwurst" by flickr user, dan_fuh; "Finfetti brownies ready to go." by flickr user, Carnivore Locavore; "Internet no Vila" by flickr user, Silveira Neto. All used under a Creative Commons License.