Ridiculously Specific Horoscopes for the week of October 1, 2012

by Jason Toon

What does this week hold in store for you? If you're looking for broadside bromides about chasing your dreams, there are a million phony fortune-tellers out there. But our resident augurer Jason Toon puts the "clarity" in "clairvoyanty". If you are prepared to peer into your future, read on for horoscopes so specific, they're literally unbelievableā€¦

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Midweek will bring positive financial news, but not for you.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your lucky John Hughes movie: Curly Sue, unfortunately.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This week, knowing the difference between vanilla and vanillin will save your life.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): One of your friends will turn out not to be a friend at all, but actually an industrial power sprayer.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Under no circumstances should you enter a courtroom or law office this week unless you are adept in muay Thai.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Be circumspect about expressing strong opinions about Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): The next chapter of your life begins at a Pepperidge Farm Thrift Store. But be sure to check the expiration date on those Pirouettes.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The discovery of a wasp nest will lead to unexpected romance.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your lucky Guinea pig breed: English Crested Black.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Noted columnist and author Thomas Friedman will leave you a lousy tip.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): No matter how painful, it is time to move on and accept that the neck of your favorite t-shirt will never return to its original size.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Whatever you do this week, the implications will be troubling.

WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!