Ridiculously Specific Horoscopes for the week of October 29, 2012

by Jason Toon

Peer with us now into the future… your future… the very specific future you share with hundreds of millions of people who happen to have been born during the same lunar month. Jason Toon once again exercises his gift to reveal the arcane minutiae hidden in the stars…

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Events set in motion this week will lead, eventually, to you running a noise/trance record label in Munich.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): The receptionist at your dentist's office will mistakenly record your appointment 15 minutes later than the time she gives you. The consequences will be negligible.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Someone far away is thinking of you right now. And now they've stopped.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your lucky Chilean soap opera: Soltera Otra Vez.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Stop dwelling on your regrets about the past by focusing on your fears of the future.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Despite the fact that you are not a Canadian journalism student, the stars indicate you have a strong chance of winning the CBC Joan Donaldson Newsworld Scholarship.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): The next time you order an Americano, be sure to leave room… for love.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you're not careful, an intimate erotic moment will be spoiled by unwelcome thoughts of the Greek debt crisis.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you are a skateboard enthusiast, the highlight of your week will be executing a 50-50 grind on a picnic table. If not, the highlight of your week will be a bag of particularly flavorful Harvest Cheddar Sunchips.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your lucky file format for array-oriented scientific data: NetCDF.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): All of your questions about your future will be clearly answered this week on WTIX 1410 AM, Concord, North Carolina.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): A dark secret from your past will come to light through the shocking reappearance of a long-lost bendy straw.

WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!