The Human Body Owner's Manual: 7-18 Months

by Randall Cleveland

Note: for Human Body™ (v1.2.1) care instructions on the first 0-6 months of lifespan, please refer to Chapter 1 of this manual.

MAINTENANCE
Here at Human Genome, we pride ourselves on customer care. Your maintenance, upkeep, and refueling needs should be fulfilled entirely by your Human Body Caretaker® unit(s). If you find your Human Body Caretaker® unit(s)' performance unsatisfactory in any way, please contact Human Genome Customer Service immediately at the number included in this instruction manual. Although, odds are high that you will not have the mental capacity to realize any deficiency in your Human Body Caretaker® unit(s)' performance until your mid-20s or with the help of extensive psychological counseling.

Your Human Body will produce seemingly excessive amounts of waste through this stage of ownership. This is normal. Prompt removal of said waste products is essential. Failure to adhere to strict waste removal scheduling may result in voiding your warranty.

During this stage of ownership, you may find your Human Body Caretaker® unit(s) transition your regular high-nutrient fuel mixture to gelatinous or even solid fuels. While this process can be frustrating, it is essential to further development and Human Body growth. Thankfully, Human Genome craftsmanship and engineering combine form and function into the perfect nutrient processing system.

MASTICATION
Up until this point, your mouth has served primarily as an input port for Human Milk® delivery and screaming/wailing to notify your caretakers of your needs. At approximately four to six months of ownership, though, your mouth will begin to self-install numerous Solid Food Mastication Implements. Initially, these implements may seem unwieldy or even irritating. This feeling shall subside, however, and you will find your Solid Food Mastication Implements adept at crushing and grinding solid foods into a smooth pulp your throat will find easier to swallow.

NOTE: FAILURE TO PROPERLY MASTICATE SOLID FOOD ITEMS MAY RESULT IN SEVERE DAMAGE TO YOUR BODY'S THROAT, LUNGS, AND BRAIN. YOUR WARRANTY MAY BE VOIDED AND YOUR HUMAN BODY MAY BE RENDERED INOPERABLE. HUMAN GENOME DOES NOT OFFER REPLACEMENT UNITS IN CASE OF MASTICATION FAILURE.

MOBILITY
Your Human Body musculature should continue to develop and grow, allowing you to begin moving under your own impulse. Initially you will only be able to move quadropedally, on your HANDS and KNEES. As your LEGS continue to grow, you may find yourself experimenting with standing for brief periods. At first you may need assistance from nearby furniture or other humans, but soon you'll find yourself standing and even walking unassisted. Congratulations! This is a new phase of exploration and independence in your new body.

NOTE: YOUR NEWFOUND MOBILITY INCREASES THE RISK OF COSMETIC AND STRUCTURAL DAMAGE TO YOUR HUMAN BODY. EXERCISE CAUTION AND WALK RESPONSIBLY.

Advanced walker may enjoy "spinning," or walking briskly in tight circles.

COMMUNICATION
Human Genome-crafted neural pathways will grow and develop, connecting your BRAIN to your MOUTH more intricately. This process will also increase the responsiveness of your EARS as well. What once was seemingly random gibberish will slowly come into clarity as you develop the ability to process and understand language.

Your Human Body Caretaker® units should provide indulgent praise and encouragement at your fledgling attempts. Continue this process! You will find increased communication abilities will result in your Human Body Caretaker® unit(s) responding more satisfactorily to your wants and needs. In certain cases, you may find Human Body Caretaker® units use this opportunity to try and communicate their own wants and needs regarding your behavior. You are under no obligation, however Human Genome recommends abiding by Human Body Caretaker® unit rules to facilitate a peaceful and comfortable growth environment.

For instructions regarding the next stage of your body ownership, please read Section 3.