Unfair Comparisons: On Trumpets, Fans, and the Future!

by Sean Adams

1. An Antique Claw-Footed Bathtub vs. Two Trumpets in terms of Avoiding Illness

To avoid illness, you want to keep yourself clean. But you also want to limit your exposure to other people’s germs. So while you can wash yourself off in a claw foot tub, you’re also risking your good health by lowering yourself into something that very well may be encrusted with several generations’ worth of sickness. So, instead of taking a nasty bath in a dirty old tub, drink lots and lots of fluids. How will you stay thirsty enough to keep drinking, you ask? Simple: by spitting. What’s the most productive way to spit, you ask? Simple: by playing trumpet. What’s better than playing just one trumpet, you ask? Simple: playing two trumpets.


Two Trumpets

2. A Box Fan vs. A Fistful of Traveler’s Checks in terms of Hula-Hooping

Before we even start to compare these two things, we need to establish whether we’re talking about a box fan – like one of those big devices that blows air – or box fan – as in someone who’s very fond of boxes. Now, the fact that it’s the summer and our offices are located in Seattle – which gets hot enough to demand circulation but not hot enough to really warrant air conditioning – might lead you to believe it’s the first option; however, we are an online retailer, and in this business, if you’re not way into boxes, you’re going to be frustrated. What I’m getting at is without knowing for sure which one we’re talking about, we have no idea how “A Box Fan” will affect your hula-hooping.


A Fistful of Traveler’s Checks

3. A Dystopian Future vs. Ankle Soreness in terms of Putting in an In-Ground Pool

Who has sore ankles? Athletic people. Why? Because they’re out doing athletic stuff. What does athletic stuff do to your muscles? It builds them. And what can you do with muscles? Dig big holes to put pools into. However, if someone has sore ankles, which muscles was he or she building? The leg kind. And which kind of muscles do you use to wield a shovel? The arm kind.  Now, one final question: which kinds of holes don’t require any digging at all on your part? The kinds made by the bombs that get dropped when the world comes unglued.

A Dystopian Future

Now, you're favorite part (and my least favorite part, since it's the part where I admit that I WAS WRONG), The Rebuttal of the Week! This week, I'm awarding it to xXevilklownXx who uses science to totally kill my argument against lava in terms of doing a triathlon:

I disagree with your analysis of lava in terms of doing a triathlon. As you astutely pointed out, lava is liquid rock. What you failed to mention is that it is extremely hot liquid rock. Water is much lower in temperature than said liquid rock, and thus when the hot liquid rock touches the cool water, it will turn to solid rock, thereby shortening the distance of the swim. Swimming a shorter distance is typically faster than swimming a longer distance (at least insofar as Einsteinium physics holds up), so lava would definitely help with the swim.

Do you have it in you to take me down? Well, probably. I mean, I get owned every week. And next just might be YOURS! So go ahead, disagree with the above arguments in the comments below!

"Things my dad gave me back, part two: my old trumpet (7:365)" by flickr user, Francis Storr; "use of and and or" by flickr user, Lisa Padilla; "Bombed Buildings, Belgrade" by flickr user, watchsmart. All used under a Creative Commons License.