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Hi, Joan, I just wanted to let you know I won’t be coming in to work today. I just can’t manage to get myself out of bed this morning. No, I’m not “not feeling well.” That’s just it.
Under the weather? Ha, as if! No, in fact I feel terrific. I just don’t have the strength to get up, that’s all.
No, it isn’t the flu. Why, is that going around? Wow, another reason to be glad I’m not coming in.
Nope, it’s my new Memory Foam mattress. It’s so comfortable! There’s no way I’ll be able to muster the willpower to trade this kind of comfort for a day of toil in the cube farm. Yeesh, just the thought of it. It’d be like trying to convince a baby bilby to leap from its mother’s pouch directly into a bowl of thumbtacks. No can do. So it looks like I’m probably going to just be hanging out ‘twixt the sheets today.
To tell you the truth, I may stay here through tomorrow, too. I’m on seven and a half inches of polyurethane topped with two and a half inches of viscoelastic foam, so why not? Where else am I going to feel this good? Certainly not under the harsh, flickering flourescents of that pre-grave you call a workplace, I can tell you that.
And actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t see why I should ever have to get off this mattress. It’s naturally antimicrobial. It never needs turning. It came with an aloe-vera-treated cover I’m going to have to wash once in a while, but I can get someone to do that. Maybe from Craigslist. And I can order food online for delivery. As long as I can reach the outlet to plug in my laptop, that’ll be my lifeline.
I’ll have to rig something up for waste conveyance, like a poop tube or something, but that shouldn’t be too hard. Just run it out the bedroom window, should work.
I mean—you know how I’m always complaining, Joan, about my back pain? If I tried to tell you how much better my back feels on this mattress, you would smack me in the mouth and call me a liar. It’s amazing. It’s like a slow, wet tongue-kiss directly to my spine, that’s what it feels like. I tell you this, if I ever get out of this bed again, it will only be to move onto the same mattress in a different size, a cool wave 10" queen mattress or 10" king mattress.
Yeah, I guess I’m decided, Joan. Cash out my PTO and sick days; I’m never coming back in to work again.
From this day forward, it’s bedtime ALL the time!
Zippered Aloe Vera-Treated Mattress Cover
Package Contents
Packaging
Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty
Condition: New
Features:
The Details:
1. To maximize memory foam expansion; remove from packaging within 72 hours of receipt.
2. This product arrives very tightly packed. Please unwrap and allow 48-72 hours for this product to return to its original shape.
3. Being sealed in plastic packaging sometimes traps odors. A few hours of airing usually removes the odor.
4. Due to machine cutting manufacturing processes, there may be slight variances in the dimensions of this product.
In the box:
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