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Yeah, money’s a little tight right now, but this is IMPORTANT. We’re talking 8GB of media storage capacity and tens of thousands of handy apps right in your pocket! What’s it going to take to explain to your significant other that Genius Mixes and a 3.5-inch widescreen multi-touch display with 480-by-320-pixel resolution are more important than silly stuff like rent or food?
Maybe a message from The Future might help.
Step 1 – Creative Writing
Imagine that you’re the last survivor of an Earth torn apart by some apocalyptic event. Robots, zombies, aliens, global apathy, whatever. Describe the suffering of humanity in as much gory detail as possible. Somewhere between the paragraph concerning the love between you and your spouse staying strong in the face of extinction and the one where he or she dies in your arms, make sure to note how the two of you met a scientist that could have saved the entire world if you had only had an Apple 8GB iPod Touch for some cockamamie reason. The reason won’t matter so much as the last few lines in which you tell your spouse that you hope that a better future awaits everyone.
Step 2 – Authenticity
You can’t just hand over the letter the way it is. You’ll need a little extra production value to pull this off. Try crumpling and tearing the paper. Aging the letter in tea could have a nice effect. You might try pricking a finger and getting a little blood on it, too. Not only will that drive home that the future is a horrible place, but it’ll add a little legitimacy to the letter. After all, who’d be crazy enough to smear their own blood on a piece of paper for an iPod Touch?
Next, find a cylindrical metal container. Place the letter inside with a little dry ice so that you get that nice “from the future” look when it’s opened.
Finally, bury it in the backyard. That way, when you tell your spouse your going outside to dig some holes later that day, they won’t get suspicious.
Step 3 – Jackpot
Call out to your husband or wife when you “uncover” the capsule. Don’t be the one to open it. Let them do it. Just watch knowingly as they read about the terrible things you had to go through to get that message “back to the past”. One of two things will happen. Either they’ll throw their arms around you and whisper “Yes, honey. Yes, you can have an Apple 8GB iPod Touch.” in your ear as they sob gently, OR they’ll be so angry that you took so much time out of your household chores to put this ruse together that they’ll throw their hands up and shout “FINE! JUST BUY ONE ALREADY! BUY THREE, FOR ALL I CARE! THE BABY CAN JUST EAT RAMEN FOR THE NEXT MONTH!” Either way, SCORE!
Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty
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