Interviewer: Paul, your team has just won its fifth consecutive Ultra Championship Bowl. You scored eight touchdowns yourself, threw for four more, kicked all the extra points, and even scored a safety, which is unusual for an offensive player. How does it feel?

Paul American, Football Hero: I just want to dedicate this one to the fans. I wouldn’t be here today without them.

Interviewer: That’s terrific. I’m sure the millions of fans watching at home appreciate-

Paul American, Football Hero: What? No, no, not those fans. I’m talking about my Compaq USB Notebook Fans.

Interviewer: USB fans?

Paul American, Football Hero: They plug into an available USB port and blow a nice cool breeze on me when I’m working on my laptop. This one’s for you, babies! I love you! Whooo! (looks into camera, does that thing where you kiss two fingers and then make a peace sign with them)

Interviewer: Huh. Well, excuse me, but that seems a little pointless…

Paul American, Football Hero: Pointless? Pointless? Look, if it wasn’t for them, I would have been cut down by heat stroke a long time ago. Does that sound pointless to you?

Interviewer: I guess not, but…don’t you have air conditioning? Or a box fan, at least?

Paul American, Football Hero: What, are you kidding? On a pro football player’s salary? I wish.

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