MITEY ISLAND - Dust mites in this rugfront community are living in terror tonight after a series of deadly EuroPro Shark attacks.

Thousands of mites were reported missing after the enormous killer’s turbo-powered brush swept through the town yesterday. Hours later, the EuroPro Shark, now reconfigured as a hand vac, returned for a feeding frenzy scientists call “spot cleaning”.

“I’m devastated,” said local resident Cari Formes. “It was just so merciless, so relentless. It was unstoppable. I had just laid 73 eggs. Every single one is gone now. So many hopes, so many dreams, so many human respiratory tracts to infect. Now I have nothing.

“It’ll take me at least a couple of days to lay that many eggs again.”

The attack, rated at 800 Watts on the suction power scale, struck at every level of dust-mite society.

“My grandfather and I were just having some partially decomposed organic detritus for lunch,” said eyewitness Dermot Farren. “Then we heard this enormous roar. It sounded like the end of the world. The winds started up, the sky went dark, and that’s when it hit me: shark attack!

“I held on for dear life. But when it passed, Grandpa was gone. Just gone. I still can’t believe it. He was 19 days old, so at least he lived a long, full life.”

As this shattered community tries to make some sense of the tragedy and rebuild, researchers warn that the worst may be yet to come.

“We still haven’t seen the EuroPro Shark in Portable Canister mode,” said Dr. Allard Jeeze, “not to mention its swivel floor nozzle or its Backsaver wand. And even if it doesn’t come back immediately, EuroPro Sharks generally attack every 7 to 14 days, so it could very well happen again in our lifetimes.”

Jeeze adds that “the cleaning power and convenience of the EuroPro Shark’s three cleaning modes present a major danger to our entire civilization.

“Anyone who wants dust mites to flourish and multiply should do anything they can to stop the Euro-Pro Shark 3-in-1 Multi-Vac.”

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