Let’s see: I’ve got my portable chemical toilet, five pounds of ostrich jerky, and my High Peak Simex Sport Sirius Sleeping Bags. Yup, I’m gonna be the first one in Crestdale to get that new iPhone!

I’ll never forget the humiliation and rage I felt when I missed first place in line for the iPhone 3G. I mean, me of all people, the biggest Macolyte in my suburb. I named my own kid Apple before Gwyneth Paltrow even thought of it. Lots of guys have Apple tattoos, but not where I do. And none of it mattered when I showed up at the Apple store at Crestdale Commons to find some loser already camped out, laying there snoring in his stupid filthy socks and his dumb Green Lantern shirt. Beaten by a DC fan? Oh hay-ullz no. I tried to have him arrested as a vagrant, but mall security took his side. In that moment, a new resolve was forged deep inside me. I swore: Never again.

Now that Apple’s launching the new iPhone 3G S in a couple of weeks, the race is on anew. I mean, come on: a built-in compass! Improved security features! Data speeds that make it almost feasible to browse the Internet occasionally! I refuse to NOT be the first one in town to caress that fingerprint-resistant oleophobic coating. I can’t wait to take a picture of the next guy in line’s disappointed face, in 3 brilliant megapixels. And they’re Apple megapixels, which makes them noticeably better than regular megapixels. Maybe I’ll even use the video-capture technology to watch his face collapse in grief again and again and again. Ha ha! Yes, iPhone fever is making the nation ill, and I’m one of the sickest.

And these lightweight, ridge-hooded High Peak Simex Sport Sirius Sleeping Bags are my steadfast allies in this quest. They’re perfect for the warm Crestdale summer. And fortunately for me, the two of them can zip together to make one big sleeping bag. Just imagine: Mr. Green Lantern Shirt is gonna walk up and see me relaxing in well-ventilated, king-size comfort. It’ll be delicious. I can’t wait to shoot him that look that says You’re going to be the second one to enjoy an iPhone with a somewhat longer battery life. It’ll be delicious.

I’ve got my spot staked out, my claim laid, my provisions provided. Now all I have to do is wait. When the crowds materialize, they will have no choice but to acknowledge me as their superior. And believe me, despite how it looks right now, those crowds are going to materialize. Yup. Any minute now. Just you wait.

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