Will you marry me? Yes? Then hold out our hands. Both of them.

Oh, I know that a ring is traditional, but I’m not a traditional guy, Sarah. I serve salmon for Thanksgiving and wear socks over my shoes and wear scuba goggles even when I’m not diving. So, sorry, but we’re not doing the boring old ring thing. No, I’m not just covering a sliver of one finger; I’m putting both of those hands away in a little love-prison called Isotoner Ladies Stretch Fleece Gloves.

Trust me, these things are way more romantic anyway. I mean, sure a precious stone is pretty. But are they made of micro-fiber fleece that’s soft and will keep you warm while you’re scraping off your car? Will a diamond keep your hands dry in a snow storm? Would a gem be one size fits most in case I rethink my decision and decide to marry someone else? No, no, and no.

And besides, it’s not like you can’t get your own ring and put it on over top of them. They are fitted gloves after all. Actually, scratch that, don’t buy a ring! I’ll buy one for you! Here, let me grab a couple quarters! I know a store that sells great mood rings!

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