Lovely day for a company picnic, huh? Do yourself a favor, buddy, and get some of this buffalo shrimp dip. It's incredible, it really is.

Say, you're Brian, the manager over in Complaint Servicing and Resolution, right? I thought so. You've definitely got that "power mad gnome who forces an ever-increasing workload on his employees while doing absolutely no discernible work of his own" look about you. I'm Jacob, nice to meet you.

Oh, no, I don't work for you guys. My wife does, though. Do you know Karen? Tall, dark hair, grits her teeth and forces a smile every time you tell her you need her to work harder and show more dedication, even though she works late every night, sacrificing time with her family while you hurry off to a Happy Hour at three in the afternoon? Yeah, strangely, she didn't want to come. Turns out she feels sixty-five hours of dealing with your idiocy is SO fulfilling, she doesn't really want to have to even look at you on her off-hours. But I was all, "Hey, free food," so here I am! Hope you don't mind.

Hey, buddy, help me out here. That lumbering sack of lonely rage and poorly applied lipstick standing by the JBL OnBeat Air Wireless Speaker/Dock isn't Amy, is it? Oh, it is! Lovely. Karen has told me so much about her since you made Amy a "Team Leader," which I guess is another way of saying "manager without a pay raise," huh? Gosh, it must be uncomfortable for you, walking around with her nose shoved so firmly against the back of your pants. I think it's really great that your company takes just great strides to place so many soulless, empty-hearted people who care about nothing but their own advancement into management positions. That really speaks volumes about you guys.

You know, it's funny. My wife has one of those JBL OnBeat Air Wireless Speaker/Docks, too. She was really excited about listening to the crystal clear sound of the music and podcasts on her iPhone at work. You know, as a way of drowning out all the sorrowful sighs and frustrated grunts of the co-workers around her? I mean, I told her that it might be better if she used it at home, what with the wireless remote access with Airplay and composite video output, but she insisted that her days were so devoid of even the smallest amount of happiness that she needed dual JBL Phoenix full-range transducers with 2 x 7-watt amplification and computer-optimized DSP equalization right there next to her.

In retrospect, I guess it should've been no surprise that you made her take it home. What was it again? You didn't want her syncing her music files via USB to her work computer? Maybe it was that you were afraid she might hook her computer up to it via the 3.5mm stereo input jack? Oh, wait, I remember. "No personal effects at your desk that might somehow lighten the heavy weight of hopelessness we strive so hard to cultivate." Charming stuff.

Anywhoozle, I think I'll take this plate to the car with me, if you don't mind. I had a lovely time, though. Don't forget to try some of the potato salad I brought. I think it's still good, I'm not sure. It's been in our fridge so long that the expiration date somehow smudged off, but the IT guys who can't seem to find the time to fix Karen's computer loved it before I told them. OH, and before I forget, she wanted me to give this to you, Brian. Why, yes, it is a picture of her butt with the words "I QUIT" written on it. She wanted to send it to you, but I was coming down here anyway. You understand.

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