Transition Team Chair: And Putin assures me that Kim is on board: no democratization or economic liberalization until after we take office. They’ll be drinking Starbucks in Pyongyang by February. North Korea will no longer be a problem.

President-Elect: That’s, uh, that’s terrific. Great.

Chief of Staff: Something on your BLEEP mind, Boss?

President-Elect: No. Yeah. Yeah, all those Memorex MVBD2510 Blu-Ray DVD Players in the White House basement. Thousands of them, supposedly. Sometimes I wish Bush’s people hadn’t even told us about those.

Chief of Staff: You want I should BLEEP bump somebody the BLEEP off, Boss?

President-Elect: No, no. That knowledge is just the kind of terrible burden I have to bear in this office. Point is, we need to figure out what to do with them.

Transition Team Chair: Sir, I’d suggest that we keep them for the moment and see if they could be used to our advantage later. If we could make a bonafide Blu-Ray player available to the public for less than two hundred dollars, that could have the potential to clinch your re-election and solidify a permanent governing maj-

Chief of Staff: What the BLEEP is this BLEEP you’re peddling? These BLEEP Blu-Ray players are BLEEP old news now. In four BLEEP years they won’t be worth BLEEP.

President-Elect: Look, while the Memorex MVBD2510 could bring high-definition Blu-Ray DVDs to American homes across America, the fact is that it lacks Profile 2.0, and the fanciest possible audio decoding. If my administration is about change, what does it say to the American people of America if we keep peddling the same tired Blu-Ray players that the outgoing administration failed to sell?

Chief of Staff: We could just BLEEP destroy the BLEEP players with sledgehammers. No, no, hatchets. Yeah, BLEEP hatchets. BLEEP, I love the feel of a good BLEEP hatchet.

Transition Team Chair: Or we could point out that Profile 2.0’s “features” are essentially useless frippery. And that most home theater owners will use a receiver to do their audio decoding anyway, but if not, the Memorex MVBD2510 still offers Dolby TrueHD, Dolby Digital Plus, and DTS-HD High Resolution decoding.

Chief of Staff: Ah, BLEEP it. Let’s just BLEEP drag the American consumer into a BLEEP alley someplace to have a nice little BLEEP chat. That BLEEP idiot won’t know what the BLEEP hit him. He’ll watch his BLEEP DVDs on a BLEEP View-Master if we say so.

President-Elect: No, no, we’re not in Chicago anymore. We need a way to get these Memorex MVBD2510 Blu-Ray players off the federal books, but we can’t have our fingerprints all over them.

Transition Team Chair: You know, we could always give our friends in Texas a call…

Chief of Staff: Oh, BLEEP. Those BLEEP? They scare the BLEEP out of me. One wrong move dealing with them, and BLEEP, you’re liable to wind up in a Bag o’ Crap. I never know who the BLEEP they’re working for.

President-Elect: They’re wild cards, to be sure. But they’ve always been discreet and professional. Well, semi-professional, anyway.

Transition Team Chair: We take the Blu-Ray players to them, boom, they’re gone in a day. By the time anybody knows what’s going on, the news cycle has moved on.

President-Elect: OK, let’s move on that. Through back channels, of course.

Transition Team Chair: Of course.

President-Elect: Wow, my first covert operation! Man, this is fun!

Chief of Staff: I BLEEP still BLEEP say: hatchets.

Back to top