It was the day I got an unsolicited “Guide to Phone Buying” that I decided to drop off the grid.

I handle the v1agr@ and the c3lla5 and the offers for extra wives, because I told myself those were just part of human nature, just like the red light districts you can find in every town. But the day someone asked me to buy phones for my company? That’s the day my mind just snapped. I bought a Mountainsmith Swift II Lumbar Pack and loaded the zippered compartments up with supplies and just started to walk in a random direction.

But as I walked, it hit me: this Mountainsmith Swift II Lumbar Pack fits an awful lot, but you can’t pack the whole world inside. Despite the fleece-lined eyewear pocket and the water-resistant zippered hanging pocket and the interior zippered hanging pocket and the zippered main compartment, there’s still no room for a river, or a sunset or a song. And that’s when I decided to go back to my life… and start again.

Unfortunately, it turns out that bosses tend to not hire you back after you run out of the office while screaming and then don’t check in for a week. But let me ask you… have you ever considered buying phones for your company? Because for a small finder’s fee, I can put you together with a guy that’ll cut you a great deal.

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