Take a fascinating look at yourself with Elementonics, the revolutionary new pseudo-science that reveals what your favorite element says about you!

Human personalities come in a wide range of surprising varieties – and so do the elements! Based on this superficial, contrived similarity, Elementonics offers an intriguing peek into the building blocks of your psychological makeup, right down to the atomic level! Here are just a few examples:

Carbon: if your favorite element is carbon, you’re a real back-to-basics type, interested in simple pursuits like jogging, leather tanning, Sudoku, and breaking down ingested matter into smaller components for absorption into the bloodstream. It doesn’t get more fundamental than carbon, so fans of this element tend toward religious fanaticism and intolerance. But remember: just because someone prefers a different element doesn’t give you the right to blow them up. Yet.

Iron: strong. Firm. Heavy. You like your elements the way we like our anonymous Craigslist hookups. To really get in touch with your ferrous side, though, you’ll want to invest in an Ontel Iron Gym. As you can see in a few videos on the internet about this product, this portable training system that works your chest, arms, shoulders, back and abs with little more than a door frame and an indomitable will to crush your enemies (in this case, sloth, indolence, and flab). Maybe throw in a pinch-grip or an exercise ball, especially if you can find them cheap. In just minutes a day, you’ll be on your way to a really hot picture for your Craigslist ads.

Gold: an affinity for gold means you’re in touch with the important truths of our era: specifically, the imminent global collapse of all organized commerce and governance. When the system hits the fan, a basement full of helium won’t do you much good, will it?

Ununoctium: yeah, yeah, we’re all impressed that you’re so outré you claim an element that doesn’t even have a real name yet and only existed for a few milliseconds in a laboratory. There’s one in every crowd.

Molybdenum: you must be one of the unique souls who knows how to pronounce “molybdenum”. Could you let us in on it? Is it “ma-LIB-duh-num”? “Ma-lib-DEN-um”? Is the “b” silent? As officially certified Elementonics consultants, we really should know this by now.

Lithium: you stayed up all night last night because this one neighbor of yours kept listening to that song you know that one about “I said what about Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and don’t you get it he’s trying to send you a message because that was exactly the movie you were watching when you realized your bike was missing eleven years ago and oh yeah coincidence yeah right I’m so sure wait a minute the movie was actually Roman Holiday but that just makes it all the more devious because now he can say “what? it was a different movie” and act all innocent but HOW WOULD HE EVEN KNOW WHICH MOVIE UNLESS HE WAS THE ONE WHO STOLE THE BIKE you know what would be good right now? Cinnamon toast that sounds awesome where did that neighbor guy put your cinnamon?

Diamonds: you appreciate the finer things in life, except apparently education, because “diamonds” isn’t an element, you nitwit. Put down that copy of Finnish Vogue and go take a night class or something.

Americium: three cheers for the red, white, and blue! You’re drawn to the most patriotic of all elements because you harbor a genuine love of country, a fierce dedication to everything that makes “in trust one nation we stand” more than just a meaningless platitude. Whatever you do, don’t trust Iranium – that freedom-hating element is so sneaky, it tries to pretend it doesn’t even exist.

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