Wake up, rats! We’re moving your cheese! We’re making it easier for those people in front of you in line to get the crap that is rightfully yours! This time, instead of choosing the quantity THREE on the order page, choose ONE. We’ll charge you for three pieces of crap, and send you three pieces of crap, but you need only specify one bag. Of course, if you’re reading this, you’ve probably missed out on it already, so there’s no point to us telling you this. Thanks a lot for making our lives feel even more meaningless.

But in these times of turmoil, it’s nice to know some things will never change: the crap you receive will be every bit as worthless, defective, broken, obsolete, useless, ineffective, and – yes – crappy as ever. That’s the Bag O’ Crap promise.

EVEN THOUGH THE QUANTITY FOR THIS SALE IS LIMITED TO ONE, YOU’LL STILL GET THREE CRAPS.

YOU’LL PAY THREE DOLLARS FOR YOUR THREE CRAPS.

Let’s review. One bag. Three dollars (plus shipping). Three craps. So just buy one. That’s ONE! 1! Uno! Ein! Ichi! Une!

But what does it matter, really? Three times crap still equals crap.

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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