Well, you broke our servers, insulted our writing staff, tried to out-profane the word filters, attacked one another, and a few of you showed off some absolutely ridiculous political views that make us want to curl up in a ball and wait for the Rapture. Which makes it another successful Woot Off! We guess you’ve earned this. Here’s the Blargalgarg of Canuptagoob!

HEY YOU BEFORE YOU ORDER READ THIS PART IN THE BIG PRINT:

1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’LL GET ONE BAG WITH (up to) THREE CRAPS IN IT.
2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY OF THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.
3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE.

It’s really easy. The item quantity is what we are going to put in the bag. Pick three. Three, three, three. You will only get one bag. Sometime next week the people who screwed this up will begin to complain they only got one thing. DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. THREE PICK THREE PICK THREE

As far as the actual bags, we’re randomly picking from all the bags we have lying around. This means the bags could range from “torn plastic grocery” to “Calvin Klein hand”. That is totally random as well. One of you might even get the brown bag our creative director kept his peanut sandwich in. All bags must go!

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS:
01. Thou shalt not expect thy crap to be especially nice. If we were unloading a lot of really cool stuff, we’d call them “Bags O’ Really Cool Stuff,” but we don’t.
02. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours. Nobody said life was fair. Are you building your own barracks with your bare, broken hands in a remote Soviet Gulag? No, you’re dissatisfied with a purchase you freely chose to make even though it was plainly labeled “Crap.” Have some consarned perspective.
03. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap. Buyer’s remorse is just a click too far away! If you’re susceptible, maybe you should sit this woot out. It’s crap, after all.
04. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on our server.
05. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, if you don’t get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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