You don’t want this crap. We don’t know you, but we don’t need to: nobody wants this crap. That’s how it wound up here in the first place. That’s why we can’t get rid of it through any legitimate means. It’s rubbish. It’s garbage. It’s junk, it’s trash, it’s flotsam. You didn’t want it when you saw it at the dollar store. You’d have better luck picking any three items from the lost & found bin at the sleaziest, grimiest hourly motel in town. You’re more likely to find something useful in the garbage dump of a Chinese prison camp. The question, then, is…why are you clicking that big orange button?

HEY CRAP-FOR-BRAINS, SEE IF YOU CAN WRAP YOUR TINY LITTLE MIND AROUND THIS:

1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’LL GET ONE BAG WITH (up to) THREE CRAPS IN IT.

2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.

3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE.

In return for your money, you’ll get some kind of bag and some quantity of crap. We promise nothing more than that. You should expect even less.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS:

01. Thou shalt not expect thy crap to be especially nice. The only possible exception: natives of Bizarro World.

02. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours. That’s life, them’s the breaks, you pays your money and you etc.

03. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap. Then take another, and another. If you’re lucky, it’ll be sold out by then.

04. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on our server. We don’t take kindly to bullies who pick on defenseless machines.

05. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, if you don’t get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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