You’re gonna need sponsors. And beggars can’t be choosers.

“Name’s Rick. I’ve been watching you on the course these last few weeks, kid. You’ve got a great driver, you’re fantastic from the fairway, and your putting is downright supernatural. Why aren’t you taking a shot at the Pro-am tournament?”

“The judges say I need a sponsor. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no sponsors, Mister. I just play golf.”

“Tell ya what. I’d like to be your sponsor.”

“Wow, really? That would be amazing, Mister! I could finally have a shot at winning that $20,000 grand prize and saving my parents’ home from being foreclosed on!”

“That’s right! And Schwetty Ball Golf Balls will be right there with you every step of the way!”

“Yeah! We- What? Schwetty Balls?”

“Yeah. Hilarious, right?”

“Well, I guess it was. When Alec Baldwin did it on Saturday Night Live. Thirteen years ago.”

“Exactly! All you’d need to do is wear this ‘I’ve Got Schwetty Balls’ hat, this stylish ‘Would You Like to Touch My Schwetty Balls?’ polo shirt, and of course use your free 1 Dozen Schwetty Ball Golf Balls in the tournament!”

“Are they high performance or something?”

“They’re high hilarity! Look! Each one is marked with either an ‘L’ or an ‘R’ so you don’t ‘play with the wrong one!’ Hilarious, right?”

“That house is awfully big for mom and dad. They could always get a nice apartment.”

“And look! It’s got this neat little design! It looks like balls. Schwetty Balls, that is!”

“The stable money’s working in the pro shop anyway.”

“Oh and if you hit a sand trap, you’re contractually obligated to shout, ‘OH GOD, MY SCHWETTY BALLS SURE ARE DIRTY!’ And obviously if you hit a water hazard, you’re gonna want to substitute ‘wet’ or ‘soaked’ instead.”

“I think I’m gonna have to pass, Mister. Thanks for the opportunity.”

“Hey! Come back here! If you don’t sign I have to go with John Daly!”

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