Don’t try this at home. Be smart. Try it at someone else’s home.

Ladies and gentlemen, please step back from the performance area. The exhibition you are about to witness is extremely dangerous, and requires intensive training, specialized equipment, and nerves of steel. This feat should not be attempted by anyone with a low pain tolerance, unfinished business, outstanding debts or family members who would be sad to hear he burned alive.

Observe! As I load my specially treated jean jacket with an assortment of firecrackers my cousin bought in Ohio! I think some of these are not even legal here. Once they are all in place, I will signal my assistant Carlie to light the fuses. The signal will be that I move my arm, like—

Carlie, this is not for real, this is just to show what the signal is going to be. So don’t light them yet, I’m just going to do a practice signal.

The signal will be that I move my arm, like this!

HEY, CARLIE, WHAT —Jeeze, I said it was practice! You almost lit me! Careful with that.

Ladies and gentlemen, once the fuses are lit, I will pedal down this plank toward the ramp, leap off my bike in mid-air, and jump through the flaming hula hoop at the very instant these firecrackers go off. Have your cameras ready!

If all goes as planned, I will land safely in the kiddie pool before the fireworks have time to cause any serious damage.

In the event that I should miss the kiddie pool, assistants are standing by with XT portable fire extinguishers, and are under orders to douse me immediately. These extinguishers use non-hazardous dry chemicals, so they’re supposed to be “environmentally friendly.” I don’t know about that, but they are probably better for the environment than letting my polyester pants and plastic shoulder pads burn in a melty heap on the lawn, so.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope today’s exhibition of derring-do will help raise awareness about the need for greater investments in science and math education programs for the children of this country. Remember: Kids who know anything about physics and chemistry are kids who won’t attempt a stunt like this one! I’ll probably suffer multiple broken bones and scarring over most of my torso. I blame the teachers.

Please be advised that spectators may be exposed to the horrifying stench of my burning flesh, as well as blood-curdling screams of pain. This spectacle may not be appropriate for younger children, especially those prone to nightmares, in which I cannot guarantee not to reappear, writhing in agony and crying desperately that the pain is unbearable, and begging someone to end it by killing me.

As with all the stunts I have undertaken, there are naysayers here today. People who don’t believe I have “what it takes” to pull this feat off. People who call me “reckless,” “stupid,” and “a future Darwin Award winner.” People who don’t let their kids play over at my house, and who’ve put money on the over/under for my expiration date. To them, I only say: If your imagination is so completely untethered to reality that you can dream it, who’s to say you can’t achieve it?

Ready the extinguishers? Check! Cinch the flame-retardant jean jacket! Stow the kickstand! Is that my Mom calling? No matter! Too late! Light the fuses! WE ARE GO!

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