If only my subjects were as intelligent and easy to command as this JVC Everio HD Camcorder.

The message I hope to deliver here is simple: “either you’ll vote for me, or you’ll die.”

My campaign manager suggested that I go with something a bit less, as he called it, “offensive.” He thought that I should highlight my skills as a leader and my experience in politics. In short, he did not place his vote of confidence in my ability to come up with an acceptable campaign slogan. So I choked him to death without ever touching him. Do you know what that is? Consistency.

The truth? I care not about the issues facing you today. I care only about assembling an empire of minions who will do my dark bidding whenever called upon, just as the owner of a JVC Everio HD Camcorder desires only to shoot video with a camera that automatically selects the best settings for the scene based on face-analysis, brightness, color, and distance.

And, sadly, even with my death threats and my unsettling frankness, I’m still the most appealing candidate there is. After all, who else do you have to vote for? My whiny son? A hot-headed pilot? A tiny creature with inverted syntax? A giant creature with no syntax?

Ha! You’d be better off voting for the JVC Everio HD Camcorder that I mentioned a moment ago. But you can’t. Because it’s not a candidate; it’s a camcorder with 40x optical zoom, Konica Minolta HD Lens, and SDXC card slot. And also, because I already choked it to death without ever touching it.

Alas, I truly am the only legitimate choice you have. So take a deep breath and resign yourself to your fate. And trust me on the taking a deep breath part. I’m kind of an expert on that.

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